Whenever I visit a large city, I always fantasize about how much "better" it would be than the mid-sized university town where I live. But then I almost immediately think "I'd be just as lonely but this time amidst a sea of people" and put such ideas out of my head.
This was a very powerful piece and I thank you for writing it.
That’s such a real instinct, Dan. Cities can promise belonging, but often just magnify whatever loneliness we already carry. I’m glad the piece resonated with you ☺️
Internalized, and then re-projected self-hatred, Yeah, I've heard that from gay clients too. The body concerns rival those of teenage girls. Most of the gay men I know that are happy are married. In the big cities, at least, that part is easier I guess. But being single anywhere these days can be miserable for anyone. Hmmm, just thinking about the cities and the standards set up by the "in crowd"...Like the Cuban Americans who reject other Latino immigrants because they're already "in". Gay men in the cities want to feel like they've made it, so they crap on others to shore themselves up? Another piece of so many converging unhappy pieces. So many good paragraphs in your essay.
So much of it comes down to status anxiety dressed up as culture. When belonging feels scarce, people guard it like a limited resource, and the fallout is exactly what you described.
Now you've let the cat out of the bag, you're stuck with the elephant in the room, as it were. This is the one underlying issue that gay people have to deal with: the lack of 'somewhere to belong' is primary. Anything else is just icing on the cake, really
I also find myself struggling to make friends with gay men as a married dude in his 40s. Where sex isn’t the basis nor is it the expectation or endgame. Yes, there might be a subtle connection and physical attraction but I’m very clear with my intentions. But the ghosting still happens. Texts will not get returned. Then I run into them again and listen to them lament about how they can’t make friends, when I was right there offering myself as an option. It’s so frustrating.
That gap between what people say they want and how they actually show up can be maddening. You’re offering something rare, and their inability to meet it says more about where they are than about you.
In my late 50s I’ve known all of this for many years, but not participating is equally lonely, I can’t find men like me, who want to be genuine and shun the culture, places for us just don’t exist ( at least in the biggest city in the small country I live in ) and those guys that are there cling to their partners and the merry go round of open relationships. Being single is lonely. I lost a good friend when he came out and embraced his best gay life. Being ‘gay’, at all times is so shallow, being a whole human is what it’s all about.
Opting out can protect you from the worst of it, but it also strips away the few chances to meet the rare kindred spirits. That hunger for connection without performance is real, and so is the grief when it feels like there’s nowhere for it to land. What I can say with certainty is you’re not alone. 💜
This is exactly why I never bothered to participate in the gay community. Their loss, because I’m a lot of fun and a really decent friend.
There is so much clear and inarguable insight in this piece. I’m so glad you’re writing these pieces.
I will say that for myself, the big cities make me happier. But it’s because my expectation is not on finding community, but rather individuals.
I love Los Angeles. I do not like WeHo. I found all of what you’re talking about so ugly that I couldn’t justify wanting to be part of the ugliness in any of the gay communities.
Even if I could have.
I’d rather hang with lesbians. Loyal and true friends.
It’s also not doing us a lot of good in the PR department. It reinforces other communities thinking that “gay people are different.“
I hear you, Leo. When the focus shifts from “finding the community” to finding individual connections, the pressure and politics lose their grip. And yes, avoiding the ugliness doesn’t make you less part of the story… it just means you kept your integrity intact.
I'm 67 years old. I was closeted, in denial and self loathing from late teens into my mid fifties. Celibate and mostly isolated. I'm in a conservative, rural area, so I never really fit in. I finally found the courage, the strength to 'come out'. I nearly ended my own life. I got through that with 12 therapy sessions (all that my insurance would pay for) and antidepressants. Now, here I am, 11 years later just as alone, lonely and isolated as before. The only expectation that I had in the whole painful coming out process was that I wouldn't be lonely anymore. I quickly learned that I wasn't young enough, attractive enough, fit and muscular enough or well off financially enough to be Gay. No friendships and no serious relationships. So I'm back in the closet; single, celibate and self isolated.
Whenever I visit a large city, I always fantasize about how much "better" it would be than the mid-sized university town where I live. But then I almost immediately think "I'd be just as lonely but this time amidst a sea of people" and put such ideas out of my head.
This was a very powerful piece and I thank you for writing it.
That’s such a real instinct, Dan. Cities can promise belonging, but often just magnify whatever loneliness we already carry. I’m glad the piece resonated with you ☺️
Internalized, and then re-projected self-hatred, Yeah, I've heard that from gay clients too. The body concerns rival those of teenage girls. Most of the gay men I know that are happy are married. In the big cities, at least, that part is easier I guess. But being single anywhere these days can be miserable for anyone. Hmmm, just thinking about the cities and the standards set up by the "in crowd"...Like the Cuban Americans who reject other Latino immigrants because they're already "in". Gay men in the cities want to feel like they've made it, so they crap on others to shore themselves up? Another piece of so many converging unhappy pieces. So many good paragraphs in your essay.
So much of it comes down to status anxiety dressed up as culture. When belonging feels scarce, people guard it like a limited resource, and the fallout is exactly what you described.
Now you've let the cat out of the bag, you're stuck with the elephant in the room, as it were. This is the one underlying issue that gay people have to deal with: the lack of 'somewhere to belong' is primary. Anything else is just icing on the cake, really
Well said. Without a true sense of belonging, everything else becomes surface fixes. Until that gap is addressed, the rest is just decoration.
I also find myself struggling to make friends with gay men as a married dude in his 40s. Where sex isn’t the basis nor is it the expectation or endgame. Yes, there might be a subtle connection and physical attraction but I’m very clear with my intentions. But the ghosting still happens. Texts will not get returned. Then I run into them again and listen to them lament about how they can’t make friends, when I was right there offering myself as an option. It’s so frustrating.
That gap between what people say they want and how they actually show up can be maddening. You’re offering something rare, and their inability to meet it says more about where they are than about you.
In my late 50s I’ve known all of this for many years, but not participating is equally lonely, I can’t find men like me, who want to be genuine and shun the culture, places for us just don’t exist ( at least in the biggest city in the small country I live in ) and those guys that are there cling to their partners and the merry go round of open relationships. Being single is lonely. I lost a good friend when he came out and embraced his best gay life. Being ‘gay’, at all times is so shallow, being a whole human is what it’s all about.
Opting out can protect you from the worst of it, but it also strips away the few chances to meet the rare kindred spirits. That hunger for connection without performance is real, and so is the grief when it feels like there’s nowhere for it to land. What I can say with certainty is you’re not alone. 💜
This is exactly why I never bothered to participate in the gay community. Their loss, because I’m a lot of fun and a really decent friend.
There is so much clear and inarguable insight in this piece. I’m so glad you’re writing these pieces.
I will say that for myself, the big cities make me happier. But it’s because my expectation is not on finding community, but rather individuals.
I love Los Angeles. I do not like WeHo. I found all of what you’re talking about so ugly that I couldn’t justify wanting to be part of the ugliness in any of the gay communities.
Even if I could have.
I’d rather hang with lesbians. Loyal and true friends.
It’s also not doing us a lot of good in the PR department. It reinforces other communities thinking that “gay people are different.“
We’re not. And I won’t drink that Kool-Aid.
Thanks for doing what you’re doing. 💕
I hear you, Leo. When the focus shifts from “finding the community” to finding individual connections, the pressure and politics lose their grip. And yes, avoiding the ugliness doesn’t make you less part of the story… it just means you kept your integrity intact.
I'm 67 years old. I was closeted, in denial and self loathing from late teens into my mid fifties. Celibate and mostly isolated. I'm in a conservative, rural area, so I never really fit in. I finally found the courage, the strength to 'come out'. I nearly ended my own life. I got through that with 12 therapy sessions (all that my insurance would pay for) and antidepressants. Now, here I am, 11 years later just as alone, lonely and isolated as before. The only expectation that I had in the whole painful coming out process was that I wouldn't be lonely anymore. I quickly learned that I wasn't young enough, attractive enough, fit and muscular enough or well off financially enough to be Gay. No friendships and no serious relationships. So I'm back in the closet; single, celibate and self isolated.