Performance takes many forms. This one was the sneakiest.
I was the nerd with straight As, top ranks, the “promising future.” Then I moved from South India to the Netherlands for my Master’s and thought I had finally escaped into freedom.
A few months later, I never wanted to wake up.
I stopped caring about uni. All I wanted was to get high, hook up, and disappear into distraction. I thought the substances and freedom ruined me.
Years later, I realized I was performing what you called the “Nice Gay Contract.”
The grades looked good. The life looked exciting. I was finally doing everything I thought a free gay life was supposed to look like.
But I hated the one thing that got me out of India in the first place, and admitting that felt impossible after all the money, sacrifice, and fantasy attached to it.
So I kept performing it until I couldn’t anymore.
I dropped out.
It took me years to realize I wasn’t destroyed by freedom. I was exhausted from performing a version of myself I thought I had to want.
That makes complete sense. Freedom can arrive carrying a whole script about who you’re now supposed to become, and realizing you don’t want that version can feel brutal after everything it cost to reach it. I’m glad the piece resonated with you ☺️
Thank you for this ad it hard to put your finger on what is exactly wrong.
Recently, I received a “check-in” text from a friend asking if I was actually doing OK. When I answered honestly, I received a quick perfunctory response. I realized that because I had not responded that things were perfect, it made the exchange uncomfortable for them.
Message received, moved them from friend category to acquaintance.
Performance takes many forms. This one was the sneakiest.
I was the nerd with straight As, top ranks, the “promising future.” Then I moved from South India to the Netherlands for my Master’s and thought I had finally escaped into freedom.
A few months later, I never wanted to wake up.
I stopped caring about uni. All I wanted was to get high, hook up, and disappear into distraction. I thought the substances and freedom ruined me.
Years later, I realized I was performing what you called the “Nice Gay Contract.”
The grades looked good. The life looked exciting. I was finally doing everything I thought a free gay life was supposed to look like.
But I hated the one thing that got me out of India in the first place, and admitting that felt impossible after all the money, sacrifice, and fantasy attached to it.
So I kept performing it until I couldn’t anymore.
I dropped out.
It took me years to realize I wasn’t destroyed by freedom. I was exhausted from performing a version of myself I thought I had to want.
Thanks for this, Gino.
That makes complete sense. Freedom can arrive carrying a whole script about who you’re now supposed to become, and realizing you don’t want that version can feel brutal after everything it cost to reach it. I’m glad the piece resonated with you ☺️
How did you know what I talked to my therapist about today!?
Either I’m worryingly good, or gay emotional admin is tragically repetitive. ☺️
Thank you for this ad it hard to put your finger on what is exactly wrong.
Recently, I received a “check-in” text from a friend asking if I was actually doing OK. When I answered honestly, I received a quick perfunctory response. I realized that because I had not responded that things were perfect, it made the exchange uncomfortable for them.
Message received, moved them from friend category to acquaintance.
That check-in can feel worse than no check-in at all. Asking for honesty and then flinching when it arrives tells you quite a lot, sadly.