The line that hit me: “you understand the pattern, and you still do it.” I spent eleven years in a relationship where I knew, analytically, that something wasn’t working. I had explanations. Good ones. The body just kept showing up to perform the version of me that relationship needed. Insight didn’t touch it. What finally did was something much simpler and much harder.
That makes sense, George. Eleven years is a long time to understand something and still not be able to leave it. No shame in that. Insight can explain the pattern without giving you the capacity to act on it yet.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. If I were to become single, I wouldn’t know how to date again. Everything is different now with apps, etc., plus I am older and in some aspects stuck in my ways.
Twenty years is a long time to build a life with someone, so it makes sense that dating now would feel alien. The apps can make everyone feel like expired inventory, which is very romantic of them. ☺️
Or maybe like every other tired cliché there is, gay men are addicted to wanting, having and being what others desire so be validated… whether the situ suits them or not.
Yes, precisely. The problem is, I’m ok with me, but I’m forced to put up the different versions: like lures to a school of fish. End result: the wrapping is scrutinized, dismissed and the guy inside is still alone.
If I learned anything from my trips through addiction, sex, and performance, nothing ever changes as long as you focus on only knowing more about where things went wrong.
At some point you're gonna have to stop and ask yourself whether you're actively trying to change your behaviors and beliefs one at a time—or just hoarding knowledge so you could sound intellectual and feel good when talking about how much you learned.
Thank you, Karthik. That’s very well put. Knowing more can become its own hiding place. At some point the work has to move from explanation into one specific behaviour, one specific belief, and the messy bit where you actually have to do it differently.
The line that hit me: “you understand the pattern, and you still do it.” I spent eleven years in a relationship where I knew, analytically, that something wasn’t working. I had explanations. Good ones. The body just kept showing up to perform the version of me that relationship needed. Insight didn’t touch it. What finally did was something much simpler and much harder.
That makes sense, George. Eleven years is a long time to understand something and still not be able to leave it. No shame in that. Insight can explain the pattern without giving you the capacity to act on it yet.
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. If I were to become single, I wouldn’t know how to date again. Everything is different now with apps, etc., plus I am older and in some aspects stuck in my ways.
Twenty years is a long time to build a life with someone, so it makes sense that dating now would feel alien. The apps can make everyone feel like expired inventory, which is very romantic of them. ☺️
Or maybe like every other tired cliché there is, gay men are addicted to wanting, having and being what others desire so be validated… whether the situ suits them or not.
Yes, and that hunger to be desired can become brutal when it starts choosing the room, the role, and the version of yourself allowed to show up.
Yes, precisely. The problem is, I’m ok with me, but I’m forced to put up the different versions: like lures to a school of fish. End result: the wrapping is scrutinized, dismissed and the guy inside is still alone.
If I learned anything from my trips through addiction, sex, and performance, nothing ever changes as long as you focus on only knowing more about where things went wrong.
At some point you're gonna have to stop and ask yourself whether you're actively trying to change your behaviors and beliefs one at a time—or just hoarding knowledge so you could sound intellectual and feel good when talking about how much you learned.
Thanks for this, G.
Thank you, Karthik. That’s very well put. Knowing more can become its own hiding place. At some point the work has to move from explanation into one specific behaviour, one specific belief, and the messy bit where you actually have to do it differently.
Great piece. You have expressed ideas similar to ones Sara da Encarnação. Do you read her work? This one in particular caused me, I think to see the similarities: https://saradaencarnacao.substack.com/p/the-strange-politeness-of-exhausted?utm_campaign=email-half-post&r=3z5war&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email
I mentioned your name to her as well.
Fondly, Michael