Why Gay Men Who Know Better Keep Doing It Anyway

The gap between knowing your patterns and changing them, and why that gap can be more stubborn for gay men than most explanations allow.

He knew what he was doing.

The man who dates people came forward. He watched it take over the evening. Smooth enough that anyone watching would assume this was just who he was.

There was a warmth in his voice when he asked questions (mostly real, but also produced). He usually tracks what the other person is thinking. That night, he stayed with what was actually being said.

He wanted to make it stop.

It didn’t.

That’s the frustration I want to address. Or rather a specific shame that emerges, making the problem more difficult.

I can best describe it like this: you understand the pattern, and you still do it. And at some level, that feels like failure.

That self-imposed accusation is based on a flawed model.

But let’s look at a healthier one.