I deeply appreciate what you have said! But that does not mean it’s not hard to read.
In some ways, I feel brought up by the short hairs to see and understand the structures and dynamics you describe…or so much in my case, the lack of those structures; both because of my blind naivety - my profound immaturity- and because of others.
It exposes my personal ugly truth about where I have been weak and missing in action for others.
Thank you for bringing my awareness and attention to such important information, and thank you for conveying that information so beautifully and elegantly.
That “hard to read” feeling is the point, unfortunately. It means you’re letting the truth land instead of turning it into a flattering story about yourself.
And the “ugly truth” you’re naming is a skill gap most of us inherited from environments where needing people was risky. You’re seeing it now, which is what makes the next friendships cleaner and more mutual. 💙
I would take issue with only one word you used in your reply, and that is “unfortunately“. I feel very fortunate that I have been able to see this. I’m OK that it was hard to read.
There were many other emotions, that I also embraced, that flowed through me as well, while I read what you had to share. The tears that came with those emotions were good.
Fair point, David. I meant “unfortunate” in the sense that clarity sometimes arrives with a bruise, but you’re right that it’s also a kind of luck to be able to feel it, metabolise it, and not go numb. Those good tears are your system doing honest housekeeping. 💙
I’ve literally been going through this exact evaluation in my life, but I didn’t have words for it.
This is just wonderful. So incredibly valuable. Especially the part about how both parties can regard the friendship differently. One thinks it’s loadbearing the other one thinks utility.
For me, I tend to invest. And I used to overdeliver a lot, which makes it really hard to tell the difference between loadbearing and utility. Not anymore. But I’m glad I have words for it now. 😊💕
Having the language is a relief because it means you no longer have to treat that ache as if you’re overreacting. Overdelivering can make a friendship seem heavy, as you’re the one supporting it like beams. That’s why pulling back isn’t about being cold; it’s simply basic structural engineering. 😊
Gratitude can be true and still not touch the bruise. Some endings are clean, others are confusing and that’s where the grief sticks. I’m all for appreciating the good, as long as we don’t use it to talk ourselves out of the pain.
Your comments helped me to realize why the changes in relationship with my "gay family" has been so painful:
"The grief that follows a gay friendship ending often feels wrong in scale. Too large. Too persistent. Too disorienting for something culture keeps calling “just a friendship.
"For a significant number of gay men, close friendship isn’t an addition to an already intact support network. It is the network. The thing that filled the space where family of origin was conditional, or absent, or only available for the approved version of you.
Exactly, Michael. When your chosen family is the main structure, any shift feels like losing “home,” not losing plans. Naming that doesn’t fix it overnight, but it stops you treating a legitimate grief response like you’re being dramatic. 💙
I’m glad it’s giving you traction, Trevor, even if it stings a bit. When you can name the pattern, you stop negotiating with it and start choosing people who can actually hold weight.
Damn you, Gino. I was at the gym when I got this and you made me cry. Again.
I remembered my girl best friend with whom I was practically joined at the hip. God, we did everything together. And she is the only one I ever trusted enough to confide about my experiences.
We were both load-bearing for each other. We were together through the hard times. She held me, I held her.
It was summer of 2022 and that's when we had our vacation during our M.Sc. I was very unstable back then. After coming back home, I tried to talk to her. Texted her. I got nothing vack. Radio silence.
I couldn't believe till this day that she, who was my whole life at one point, would ghost me.
About a year ago I got locked out of my Linkedin, so I was creating a new one. I was curious about her all of a sudden. So I looked her up.
To my surprise, her profile showed up. She had blocked me on my original acct. And I found that she was doing a Ph.D.
My heart just stopped. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but it was to me. We used to tell each other what our moms made us for snacks. To see this on a random search
That makes total sense, Karthik. When someone is woven into your daily safety and then disappears, it’s more than “friendship drama” and more like a rupture, and your body treats it like one.
And finding the PhD plus the block is grief in itself because it tells you she kept living while also choosing distance, without ever giving you a sentence to hold onto. I’m sorry you had to carry that in silence. 💙
I deeply appreciate what you have said! But that does not mean it’s not hard to read.
In some ways, I feel brought up by the short hairs to see and understand the structures and dynamics you describe…or so much in my case, the lack of those structures; both because of my blind naivety - my profound immaturity- and because of others.
It exposes my personal ugly truth about where I have been weak and missing in action for others.
Thank you for bringing my awareness and attention to such important information, and thank you for conveying that information so beautifully and elegantly.
That “hard to read” feeling is the point, unfortunately. It means you’re letting the truth land instead of turning it into a flattering story about yourself.
And the “ugly truth” you’re naming is a skill gap most of us inherited from environments where needing people was risky. You’re seeing it now, which is what makes the next friendships cleaner and more mutual. 💙
I would take issue with only one word you used in your reply, and that is “unfortunately“. I feel very fortunate that I have been able to see this. I’m OK that it was hard to read.
There were many other emotions, that I also embraced, that flowed through me as well, while I read what you had to share. The tears that came with those emotions were good.
Thanks again 💙
Fair point, David. I meant “unfortunate” in the sense that clarity sometimes arrives with a bruise, but you’re right that it’s also a kind of luck to be able to feel it, metabolise it, and not go numb. Those good tears are your system doing honest housekeeping. 💙
Oh boy. There’s so much here.
I’ve literally been going through this exact evaluation in my life, but I didn’t have words for it.
This is just wonderful. So incredibly valuable. Especially the part about how both parties can regard the friendship differently. One thinks it’s loadbearing the other one thinks utility.
For me, I tend to invest. And I used to overdeliver a lot, which makes it really hard to tell the difference between loadbearing and utility. Not anymore. But I’m glad I have words for it now. 😊💕
Having the language is a relief because it means you no longer have to treat that ache as if you’re overreacting. Overdelivering can make a friendship seem heavy, as you’re the one supporting it like beams. That’s why pulling back isn’t about being cold; it’s simply basic structural engineering. 😊
Life is a journey.
Some people are with you for part of that journey and then go their own way.
That is their journey.
Or your journey goes somewhere they don’t want to go.
That is your journey.
Be grateful for the time you shared.
Gratitude can be true and still not touch the bruise. Some endings are clean, others are confusing and that’s where the grief sticks. I’m all for appreciating the good, as long as we don’t use it to talk ourselves out of the pain.
Your comments helped me to realize why the changes in relationship with my "gay family" has been so painful:
"The grief that follows a gay friendship ending often feels wrong in scale. Too large. Too persistent. Too disorienting for something culture keeps calling “just a friendship.
"For a significant number of gay men, close friendship isn’t an addition to an already intact support network. It is the network. The thing that filled the space where family of origin was conditional, or absent, or only available for the approved version of you.
Exactly, Michael. When your chosen family is the main structure, any shift feels like losing “home,” not losing plans. Naming that doesn’t fix it overnight, but it stops you treating a legitimate grief response like you’re being dramatic. 💙
Thank you once again, Gino! I’ve been pondering this very situation and your words echo my thoughts. Always spot on!
I’m glad it’s giving you traction, Trevor, even if it stings a bit. When you can name the pattern, you stop negotiating with it and start choosing people who can actually hold weight.
Oh yes, for sure!
Damn you, Gino. I was at the gym when I got this and you made me cry. Again.
I remembered my girl best friend with whom I was practically joined at the hip. God, we did everything together. And she is the only one I ever trusted enough to confide about my experiences.
We were both load-bearing for each other. We were together through the hard times. She held me, I held her.
It was summer of 2022 and that's when we had our vacation during our M.Sc. I was very unstable back then. After coming back home, I tried to talk to her. Texted her. I got nothing vack. Radio silence.
I couldn't believe till this day that she, who was my whole life at one point, would ghost me.
About a year ago I got locked out of my Linkedin, so I was creating a new one. I was curious about her all of a sudden. So I looked her up.
To my surprise, her profile showed up. She had blocked me on my original acct. And I found that she was doing a Ph.D.
My heart just stopped. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but it was to me. We used to tell each other what our moms made us for snacks. To see this on a random search
...I was speechless.
And yeah, it felt like exile.
That makes total sense, Karthik. When someone is woven into your daily safety and then disappears, it’s more than “friendship drama” and more like a rupture, and your body treats it like one.
And finding the PhD plus the block is grief in itself because it tells you she kept living while also choosing distance, without ever giving you a sentence to hold onto. I’m sorry you had to carry that in silence. 💙