The Lies About Gay Men That Refuse to Die
How straight supremacy repackages old lies about gay men
The conference room went quiet when Jake* mentioned something about his husband's job transfer. Thirty seconds of awkwardness before someone changes the subject to quarterly projections. Later, by the coffee machine, a coworker sidles up: "So you’re gay. Funny, you don’t act gay." Jake's tongue presses against his teeth. Does he educate or evaporate?
This is 2025, and we're still here.
Still having to explain why these misconceptions about gay men are wrong.
These aren't harmless stereotypes, they're built from lies that serve a purpose. Every. Single. One. Keeps us in our place, justifies treating us badly, maintains the fiction that straight is normal and everything else is broken.
What gets me most? Some of us have bought into this garbage so completely that we're basically doing their work for them. Policing each other. Staying invisible. Playing respectability politics like it's going to save us.
If you're straight and reading this: I know many of you stand with us. I'm talking about patterns, not every person.
"You Chose This Life"
The choice myth persists despite decades of research showing sexual orientation involves genetics and brain development before birth. That massive study from a few years back analyzing nearly half a million people? Completely ignored. All those findings about prenatal hormones? Dismissed.
Why? Because the choice myth is convenient for conservative straight people. If we chose to be gay, discrimination becomes natural consequences. They don't have to examine their own homophobia, we brought this on ourselves, right?
Here's what this really tells us about these people: they literally can't imagine same-sex attraction without it being deliberate rebellion. Think about that. They're admitting heterosexuality feels so automatic for them that anything else must be conscious defiance.
When someone asks when you "decided" to be gay, what they're really asking is when you decided to complicate their comfortable worldview.
"Gay Men Can't Stop Having Sex"
This stereotype comes from genuinely terrible research from the 1970s. Picture this: researchers went to bathhouses and cruising spots in San Francisco, places where people went specifically for anonymous sex, and then concluded ALL gay men are hypersexual.
It's like studying American diets by only interviewing people at McDonald's drive-throughs. Makes no sense, right?
Take Marcus*, a 34-year-old accountant I know. Zero sexual partners last year. And he felt ashamed admitting it because it didn't fit the myth everyone expected.
Then there's David*, whose 15-year relationship gets dismissed as "playing house" because homophobic straight people can't reconcile monogamous gay love with their hypersexual fantasy.
Recent research shows gay men's sexual behavior patterns are remarkably similar to heterosexual men when you control for opportunity and social constraints. But facts? They don't matter when the stereotype is this useful.
The sex-obsessed gay man justifies everything... why parents reject their sons, why we don't deserve marriage rights, why we're supposedly dangerous around kids. He's the perfect boogeyman for LGBTQ mental health stigma.
"Your Relationships Are Fake"
This myth existed because we literally couldn't get married until recently. Kind of hard to prove relationship stability when society refuses to acknowledge your relationship exists.
Same-sex married couples show breakup rates that drop dramatically over time, mirroring heterosexual patterns. But straight people needed to believe our love was inferior because it justified centuries of legal barriers.
If our relationships are just as real and lasting, then what was all that discrimination about?
Research on minority stress shows how external invalidation creates the relationship challenges some point to as "proof" our bonds aren't real. It's circular reasoning designed to maintain the status quo.
"Feminine = Gay = Weak"
This one really shows how much misogyny drives homophobia. The logic chain goes: likes men → must be feminine → feminine is inferior.
Except many gay men are masculine. Many are fem. Most are somewhere between. You know, normal human variation?
What breaks my heart is watching gay men distance themselves from feminine guys because we've internalized that fem equals weak. There's actual research documenting significant "anti-effeminacy attitudes" within our own community.
We're literally doing their work for them.
"Abuse Made You This Way"
The cruelest myth because it weaponizes real trauma. Yes, LGBTQ people face higher rates of childhood abuse, but the causation runs backward. Kids get targeted for early signs of difference, not the other way around.
This myth gives straight people someone to blame. If gay people are "created" by abuse, then homosexuality becomes damage to be prevented rather than identity to be accepted.
It's a cornerstone of conversion therapy logic and feeds directly into the current wave of anti-LGBTQ legislation targeting young people.
Why These Lies Work
These myths aren't accidental ignorance. They maintain straight supremacy by framing heterosexuality as natural and everything else as deviation or damage. They justify discrimination by painting us as threats to children, traditional families, and social order. Most importantly, they let straight people avoid examining their privilege.
The many anti-LGBTQ bills we're seeing aren't random bigotry. They're coordinated political strategy using these exact myths, repackaged for modern audiences who know better than to say "God hates fags" but will absolutely vote to "protect children" from our "lifestyle."
Living Under the Weight of Lies
Nobody talks about the psychological toll of existing while these misconceptions spread like viruses. Through workplace conversations. Family dinners. Dating apps.
You learn to defend your relationship's legitimacy before anyone even asks. You modulate your voice in professional settings (do they notice?). You calculate whether mentioning your boyfriend will cost you opportunities.
You develop what I call "misconception fatigue" - that bone-deep exhaustion of constantly correcting assumptions about your life. Do you explain that most gay men aren't promiscuous? Do you come out and deal with the weird follow-up questions? Stay closeted and listen to homophobic jokes?
Every interaction becomes risk assessment. Visibility versus safety. This chronic hypervigilance is a documented factor in gay men's mental health challenges, yet we're still told we're "too sensitive" or "making it about our sexuality."
Where It Lands in the Body
Notice where this lives in you. The slight tension in your jaw when someone makes assumptions. The way your voice drops half an octave on conference calls. The micro-pause before saying "my husband" to new people. The split-second calculation: Will this person see me differently?
Your nervous system has been mapping threat levels since you were a kid who didn't quite fit. These myths don't just live in other people's heads. They're embedded in our muscle memory, our breathing patterns, our sleep quality. Emotional resilience becomes a survival skill, not a wellness goal.
What We Actually Owe Ourselves
Look, some people will never change. They're too invested in our otherness. Education helps with people who actually want to learn, but we can't waste energy trying to convert everyone.
Stop performing respectability to earn acceptance. The game is rigged. You can't logic your way out of prejudice that's designed to be impervious to facts.
Build communities that reflect our actual diversity, not the sanitized version designed to make straight people comfortable. Find therapy and mental health support that gets that minority stress isn't personal weakness.
And recognize this: our existence is inherently political. Every healthy relationship, successful career, ordinary moment of being gay and fine disrupts their narrative. Every time you refuse to shrink? You're doing the work.
The misconceptions aren't disappearing anytime soon. The anti-LGBTQ legislation keeps coming. But we don't have to organize our lives around other people's ignorance.
We know who we are. That has to be enough.
* This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only. It does not replace therapy, diagnose, treat, or prevent any condition.
* Client and personal examples have been altered to safeguard privacy and maintain confidentiality.
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I had an epiphany not too long ago. I realized that no matter how much good I do, I will always be seen as "the other." This feeling of being different is constantly reinforced by straight people in subtle ways. With this epiphany came a simple solution; I decided to focus on what I can control, I have found strength in the gay community by starting a gay men’s book club. Through this community, I have embraced my identity, recognizing that being different isn't a negative thing. Also, this new personal perspective has led to significant personal and spiritual growth.