Thank you Gino. This is very enlightening. I can't tell you how often people ask me how I'm doing and I just say fine, and if I really try to think about it, it takes me awhile to come up with something. I don't even know the roots of my feelings sometimes because it's safer to give the recorded answers. Tough habit to break for sure. Thank you!
That “fine” is a safety reflex that often gets ‘promoted’ to a full-time job. The fact it takes you a while is actually the point: you’re listening for the real signal instead of blurting the pre-recorded line. Keep taking the extra beat, awkward or not. That’s where you start getting yourself back.
That “I don’t know yet” is the brave, grown-up version of staying in the room with yourself. The paradox makes sense: when you can’t feel seen from the inside, you go hunting for it from the outside, and bodies are an easy shortcut, often with a nasty hangover. You should be proud of yourself for clocking it without turning it into a self-punishment story.
That’s exactly it. Living like you need a stamped approval to feel, want, rest, speak, even take up space, and nobody ever tells you the office is closed. Time we all stop waiting at the counter.
You’re able to uncover in such clear and well written form an understanding of the gay male psyche like I’ve never encountered before. It is important, and informative, and difficult, and I couldn’t be more grateful to read this. Thank you, Gino
Thank you, Denis. I’m trying to name the stuff we all live but rarely get language for, especially the parts that look “fine” from the outside while you’re quietly disappearing inside. If it helped you feel a bit more legible to yourself, then it did its job :)
Thank you Gino. This is very enlightening. I can't tell you how often people ask me how I'm doing and I just say fine, and if I really try to think about it, it takes me awhile to come up with something. I don't even know the roots of my feelings sometimes because it's safer to give the recorded answers. Tough habit to break for sure. Thank you!
That “fine” is a safety reflex that often gets ‘promoted’ to a full-time job. The fact it takes you a while is actually the point: you’re listening for the real signal instead of blurting the pre-recorded line. Keep taking the extra beat, awkward or not. That’s where you start getting yourself back.
Thank you Gino. And thanks for always taking time to read and respond to my comments. xxoo
I can't count the no. of times I bolted whenever I had to sit with the answer "I don't know." When what I was really saying was "I don't know yet."
And to think I threw myself at men just to be seen for the wrong thing, it feels like a paradox.
Thanks for this, G.
That “I don’t know yet” is the brave, grown-up version of staying in the room with yourself. The paradox makes sense: when you can’t feel seen from the inside, you go hunting for it from the outside, and bodies are an easy shortcut, often with a nasty hangover. You should be proud of yourself for clocking it without turning it into a self-punishment story.
The weight of permission….
That’s exactly it. Living like you need a stamped approval to feel, want, rest, speak, even take up space, and nobody ever tells you the office is closed. Time we all stop waiting at the counter.
You’re able to uncover in such clear and well written form an understanding of the gay male psyche like I’ve never encountered before. It is important, and informative, and difficult, and I couldn’t be more grateful to read this. Thank you, Gino
Thank you, Denis. I’m trying to name the stuff we all live but rarely get language for, especially the parts that look “fine” from the outside while you’re quietly disappearing inside. If it helped you feel a bit more legible to yourself, then it did its job :)