Gay men learn to give the acceptable answer before being asked. Therapy doesn't stop the reflex...only shifts it, catching it too late, or just before it ends.
Reading this made me think that many marginalized groups, gay men - we always feel like we need to go the extra mile, overdeliver, take the high road, be the first to compromise, because if we don't we may not be able to keep the spot we have fought so hard to secure. The performance needs to continue, for us to still be welcomed in the spaces we have reached.
A lot of us learn that being accepted depends on being easy, impressive, agreeable, useful…. so we keep performing long after the danger has changed. It’s exhausting because you hardly get to simply arrive as yourself.
You're right. The automatic mechanism of reflex runs without a trigger and it's impossible to catch it before it does.
But I think you're being a little hard on yourself. It happens. It's not like you were putting on a show or lying to your colleague or yourself. Sometimes, we just get caught up.
On the other hand, the analysis during the afterthought is the most rational one I've read.
There is one thing that you and anyone who interrupts and becomes aware of their situation and themselves need to be proud of:
There may have been a point when you were running without interruption, comfortably putting on shows. The fact that you see it—even if it's rarely happening—is commendable.
I think that’s the part people miss. The interruption itself matters because it changes your relationship to the reflex, even when it doesn’t stop it in time. Annoying progress is still progress, which feels very rude but true 😅
This is from a straight lady. I too have this same issue with different circumstances. Today someone asked me how I was doing and great came out before I even thought of speaking. I’m learning where and when and who to entrust my honesty to. Being authentic is important but so is protecting yourself from people who are ignorant. Just my opinion.
Pretty much, yes. The first reaction can happen before we’re consciously aware of it, which is why the catch often comes a beat later. As I say to clients, the good news is that awareness can still step in after that first split second, and that’s where change starts.
The pause matters because it gives you a chance not to automatically obey the first reaction. Even being able to notice what is happening, when you can, is already a real shift.
The catch feels like whether I’m being heard or listened through in a convo where data points are being listed like a collection of rocks on a beach only to be left and pulled back into the surf. What’s the point.
The catch feels like should I actually share what I think here or just add to the noise.
That makes sense, Jame. When being heard feels that thin, honesty can start to feel like littering instead of contact, and that wears a person down fast. Sometimes the catch is exactly that split second of wondering whether this room can hold anything real.
Reading this made me think that many marginalized groups, gay men - we always feel like we need to go the extra mile, overdeliver, take the high road, be the first to compromise, because if we don't we may not be able to keep the spot we have fought so hard to secure. The performance needs to continue, for us to still be welcomed in the spaces we have reached.
A lot of us learn that being accepted depends on being easy, impressive, agreeable, useful…. so we keep performing long after the danger has changed. It’s exhausting because you hardly get to simply arrive as yourself.
You're right. The automatic mechanism of reflex runs without a trigger and it's impossible to catch it before it does.
But I think you're being a little hard on yourself. It happens. It's not like you were putting on a show or lying to your colleague or yourself. Sometimes, we just get caught up.
On the other hand, the analysis during the afterthought is the most rational one I've read.
There is one thing that you and anyone who interrupts and becomes aware of their situation and themselves need to be proud of:
There may have been a point when you were running without interruption, comfortably putting on shows. The fact that you see it—even if it's rarely happening—is commendable.
Thanks, G.
I think that’s the part people miss. The interruption itself matters because it changes your relationship to the reflex, even when it doesn’t stop it in time. Annoying progress is still progress, which feels very rude but true 😅
This is from a straight lady. I too have this same issue with different circumstances. Today someone asked me how I was doing and great came out before I even thought of speaking. I’m learning where and when and who to entrust my honesty to. Being authentic is important but so is protecting yourself from people who are ignorant. Just my opinion.
That discernment matter, Amy. Honesty needs safety, and part of growing up is getting better at knowing who has earned access to the real answer 💛
I read that the trigger process happens faster than we can catch it to begin with? Is that true?
The amygdala will fire faster than we can consciously be aware of it, etc?
Pretty much, yes. The first reaction can happen before we’re consciously aware of it, which is why the catch often comes a beat later. As I say to clients, the good news is that awareness can still step in after that first split second, and that’s where change starts.
The key for me… the pause … and being the observer of my thoughts… when I can….
The pause matters because it gives you a chance not to automatically obey the first reaction. Even being able to notice what is happening, when you can, is already a real shift.
The catch feels like whether I’m being heard or listened through in a convo where data points are being listed like a collection of rocks on a beach only to be left and pulled back into the surf. What’s the point.
The catch feels like should I actually share what I think here or just add to the noise.
That makes sense, Jame. When being heard feels that thin, honesty can start to feel like littering instead of contact, and that wears a person down fast. Sometimes the catch is exactly that split second of wondering whether this room can hold anything real.
And maybe I’m looking for the space to finally say out loud that I am gay.