Envy in close gay friendships is more common than most men admit. A therapist explores why comparison persists, where it comes from, and how friendships survive it.
I had a friend in my 30s and I will use the word jealousy rather than envy. It consumed him based on what he lost and what I still had.... a loving partner. He never got over it, and spent the last years of our friendship trying to find enough faults to convince other people I was somehow a bad person. To no avail.
I never knew what to call that. Or that it was common. So this article was really helpful.
That's a harder version than the one I described. Having someone spend the last years of a friendship building a case against you is a particular kind of loss. 😕
Bodies especially. Careers and relationships you can at least look away from for a while, but the body comparison runs constantly in most rooms gay men are in together.
Jealousy, hatred, and being cruel to yourself may come second nature when you grew up with Grindr.
Whenever something good happened for someone close to me, my first emotional response used to always be jealousy.
I‘d be lying if I said that never happens anymore.
But now, when I feel something negative in such moments strongly, I try to follow it up with this:
“Can I just not hate them? I don‘t have to like them, or be happy for them. Can I just not hate them? Can I just let them be?“
Any negative emotion I’ve been feeling toward them slowly dissolves after that.
Accepting our emotions and trying to be happy for others is a skill no one teaches you, but everyone—especially, every gay man—needs from you.
If you received any good news recently, I‘m happy for you, whoever you are. 💓
Thanks for this letter, Gino. 💕
That question you ask yourself is a good one. It gives the feeling somewhere to go without demanding you perform an enthusiasm you don't have yet.
I don't know how I miss this one!
I had a friend in my 30s and I will use the word jealousy rather than envy. It consumed him based on what he lost and what I still had.... a loving partner. He never got over it, and spent the last years of our friendship trying to find enough faults to convince other people I was somehow a bad person. To no avail.
I never knew what to call that. Or that it was common. So this article was really helpful.
🙂💕
That's a harder version than the one I described. Having someone spend the last years of a friendship building a case against you is a particular kind of loss. 😕
Comparing oneself is seemingly never ending, perhaps especially among gay men.
It is hard to not compare relationships, careers and bodies. It’s almost a vicious mind trap.
Bodies especially. Careers and relationships you can at least look away from for a while, but the body comparison runs constantly in most rooms gay men are in together.