The text came in at eleven at night. His best friend of nine years had got engaged to a man he had met four months earlier. There was a photo attached. He looked at the photo for longer than a photo needs to be looked at and set the phone face down on the counter.
He told me about it the following week in his therapy session. What my client wanted me to explain was why the best news his closest friend had ever given him had made him feel worse instead of better.
The word for what he felt is envy, and it is an ugly word to put anywhere near someone you love. Most men are willing to say they envy a colleague or a stranger on an app. Almost none of them are willing to say they envy their best friend.
Envying an acquaintance costs you an uncomfortable hour. Envying the person who has known you longest threatens the story you tell about that friendship, so the feeling doesn’t get said out loud. It shows up some other way instead: a call that doesn’t get returned as quickly as it used to, a bu…