In my gay book club, I'm one of the older members. During a discussion on the book "Lie With Me," I mentioned how first loves stay with you forever. I was the only one in the group of nine men, most of them in their 30s and 40s, who had experienced a loving relationship with another man. This made me realize the destructive effect of app culture. Many of the same men who constantly swipe for new connections also complain they've never been in love.
While gay marriage has given gay men the opportunity to form loving relationships, many are sacrificing this for the fleeting satisfaction of dating apps. They don't realize that in doing so, they're diminishing their capacity for a truly nurturing partnership.
That’s a powerful observation. While not all app usage is bad, they do promise abundance but often rob us of depth. Real intimacy asks us to linger, to risk staying, which is the opposite of swipe culture’s constant escape.
I chose not to be part of the gay community, recognizing that there was no place in it for me. And I simply could not relate to most of what gay men prioritized.
So because I didn’t bother to be part of the community, I have avoided all of what you’re talking about — except it being difficult to find male friends. Straight or gay.
Not gay enough for the gays, but quite reasonably welcome in many straight spaces. To me… men are men.
Just being me… was unthreatening in most straight spaces though. Even though I’m not the most masculine.
Reading what you described was heartbreaking. I wish the community could heal all of that.
Your perspective is so important, Leo. Carving your own path outside the community comes with losses, but also a kind of freedom. I also wish that the larger gay world could hold more space for difference without turning it into exile.
Too horribly true Gino, but thank you 🙏. I have been trying to ping to explain the friendship void and ageing invisibility to my therapist, perhaps he needs to read this.
I hear you, Stephen. Some truths feel impossible to put into words until they’re named. Seeing them written out can make the weight a little easier to hold.
So well written. Ty for bringing erudite awareness to this important topic. Regarding dating apps specifically, I'm a middle aged cis straight female and everything you said tracks with even my experience on them. Such a toxic way to have to use to try to find love, really puts us through rollercoasters.
The mechanics of the apps seem to train us all, regardless of orientation, into mistaking constant motion for real connection. That rollercoaster takes such a quiet toll.
Beautifully written. I too have written a couple of pieces on gay/queer loneliness in my time on Substack. It felt bleak at times but perhaps that’s the reality of the rewiring I need to do. Thank you. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I understand what you're saying. Naming the bleakness is often the first step toward reshaping it. Writing into that space can feel heavy, but it’s also how we start to rewire what loneliness has taught us. 💙
Excellent article. I find dating and hookup apps noxious, more so as I get older. But they seem to be a necessary contemporary tool. I don’t suffer feelings of loneliness but I’m hyper aware of the fact that I am alone. Thank you.
That distinction really resonates, Alan. Being alone doesn’t always mean lonely, but apps can blur that line until it feels toxic. Naming it with that kind of clarity is its own strength. 💙
In my gay book club, I'm one of the older members. During a discussion on the book "Lie With Me," I mentioned how first loves stay with you forever. I was the only one in the group of nine men, most of them in their 30s and 40s, who had experienced a loving relationship with another man. This made me realize the destructive effect of app culture. Many of the same men who constantly swipe for new connections also complain they've never been in love.
While gay marriage has given gay men the opportunity to form loving relationships, many are sacrificing this for the fleeting satisfaction of dating apps. They don't realize that in doing so, they're diminishing their capacity for a truly nurturing partnership.
That’s a powerful observation. While not all app usage is bad, they do promise abundance but often rob us of depth. Real intimacy asks us to linger, to risk staying, which is the opposite of swipe culture’s constant escape.
I chose not to be part of the gay community, recognizing that there was no place in it for me. And I simply could not relate to most of what gay men prioritized.
So because I didn’t bother to be part of the community, I have avoided all of what you’re talking about — except it being difficult to find male friends. Straight or gay.
Not gay enough for the gays, but quite reasonably welcome in many straight spaces. To me… men are men.
Just being me… was unthreatening in most straight spaces though. Even though I’m not the most masculine.
Reading what you described was heartbreaking. I wish the community could heal all of that.
Your perspective is so important, Leo. Carving your own path outside the community comes with losses, but also a kind of freedom. I also wish that the larger gay world could hold more space for difference without turning it into exile.
Too horribly true Gino, but thank you 🙏. I have been trying to ping to explain the friendship void and ageing invisibility to my therapist, perhaps he needs to read this.
I hear you, Stephen. Some truths feel impossible to put into words until they’re named. Seeing them written out can make the weight a little easier to hold.
So well written. Ty for bringing erudite awareness to this important topic. Regarding dating apps specifically, I'm a middle aged cis straight female and everything you said tracks with even my experience on them. Such a toxic way to have to use to try to find love, really puts us through rollercoasters.
The mechanics of the apps seem to train us all, regardless of orientation, into mistaking constant motion for real connection. That rollercoaster takes such a quiet toll.
Yeah and worse, for sure. There has got to be a better way, but whatever it is it’s definitely not dating apps or speed dating 😩
Beautifully written. I too have written a couple of pieces on gay/queer loneliness in my time on Substack. It felt bleak at times but perhaps that’s the reality of the rewiring I need to do. Thank you. I look forward to reading more of your work.
I understand what you're saying. Naming the bleakness is often the first step toward reshaping it. Writing into that space can feel heavy, but it’s also how we start to rewire what loneliness has taught us. 💙
Beautifully put Gino. Confronting things that may seem bleak is essential too, to move forward in life I feel? Thanks so much for sharing it.
Yes, facing the bleak parts without flinching is often what clears the way for something more real to grow. Thank you for seeing that.
Outstanding article, Gino! You have brought to the fore some really poignant issues. Lots of food for thought. Excellent job! Thank you.
I really appreciate that, Trevor. These issues cut deep, and sitting with them together is how they start to shift. 💙
Excellent article. I find dating and hookup apps noxious, more so as I get older. But they seem to be a necessary contemporary tool. I don’t suffer feelings of loneliness but I’m hyper aware of the fact that I am alone. Thank you.
That distinction really resonates, Alan. Being alone doesn’t always mean lonely, but apps can blur that line until it feels toxic. Naming it with that kind of clarity is its own strength. 💙