Thank you Gino. After coming out, I played many roles when I returned home for holidays or other times. Then I got tired of it. Tired of the games and the masks and the discomfort. Going back to a homophobic and racist family didn't work for me anymore. I just stopped going. I would only return home at times the whole family wasn't there (2 brothers and 2 sisters). So it's been 32 years since I've spent holidays with my family. My father is dead. My mother is in hospice. And my siblings have their own families, and I have mine: my husband, my cats, and my chosen friends. And that works for me. I stopped hoping long ago that they would change. But I am infinitely grateful that I have. And I am still changing. Thank you Gino, your insight on so many issues helps me get closer to being the person I want to be. xxoo I wish you a wonderful. holiday season and peaceful and calming new year. --Mike
You made the hard call most people avoid: you stopped paying, which is self respect with a spine. The life you built sounds genuinely rich in the ways that matter. Wishing you a calm, quiet holiday with your husband and the cats running the entire operation. Happy holidays to you too.
This column will help many of my brothers and sisters cope with what for many of us is the most difficult and unpleasant time of the entire year. Thank you for making such a beautiful and helpful contribution to all of us.
My own situation isn't nearly as toxic as it used to be in the past, and yet every year there seems to be a dark cloud hovering near me waiting, threatening, reminding me that even though things are going well there will always be a strong desire to simply disappear until January 2.
This year I've taken ill for several days and used my illness as a good excuse to disappear for a while. I've been wondering why this is still such a difficult time of year for me even though my current situation is relatively benign. After reading your column, however, I've come to understand that the echoes of a painful past will always be present. And that is fine. And so, I will do whatever it takes to take care of myself and to respect, embrace, and love the darkness because it will always remind me to keep myself safe, no matter what that might mean.
My favorite hymn every December speaks to my hurting and wounded inner child. "O Come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear." It helps me get through the weeks.
What you’re describing isn’t you being “dramatic” in a benign situation at all. It is your body remembering the annual cost of disappearing to stay safe. I love that you’ve stopped fighting the dark cloud and started treating it like a weather report: adjust plans, protect energy, no moral failure attached. And that hymn line is painfully perfect for this season, captivity and exile is exactly what conditional belonging feels like.
That’s the sneaky part: the same skills that kept you safe can also keep you stuck performing for people who haven’t earned access. Use them where they build your life, not where they buy you a temporary seat at someone else’s table. Happy holidays, Leo ☺️
Thank you Gino. After coming out, I played many roles when I returned home for holidays or other times. Then I got tired of it. Tired of the games and the masks and the discomfort. Going back to a homophobic and racist family didn't work for me anymore. I just stopped going. I would only return home at times the whole family wasn't there (2 brothers and 2 sisters). So it's been 32 years since I've spent holidays with my family. My father is dead. My mother is in hospice. And my siblings have their own families, and I have mine: my husband, my cats, and my chosen friends. And that works for me. I stopped hoping long ago that they would change. But I am infinitely grateful that I have. And I am still changing. Thank you Gino, your insight on so many issues helps me get closer to being the person I want to be. xxoo I wish you a wonderful. holiday season and peaceful and calming new year. --Mike
You made the hard call most people avoid: you stopped paying, which is self respect with a spine. The life you built sounds genuinely rich in the ways that matter. Wishing you a calm, quiet holiday with your husband and the cats running the entire operation. Happy holidays to you too.
Thank you Gino! You too
This column will help many of my brothers and sisters cope with what for many of us is the most difficult and unpleasant time of the entire year. Thank you for making such a beautiful and helpful contribution to all of us.
My own situation isn't nearly as toxic as it used to be in the past, and yet every year there seems to be a dark cloud hovering near me waiting, threatening, reminding me that even though things are going well there will always be a strong desire to simply disappear until January 2.
This year I've taken ill for several days and used my illness as a good excuse to disappear for a while. I've been wondering why this is still such a difficult time of year for me even though my current situation is relatively benign. After reading your column, however, I've come to understand that the echoes of a painful past will always be present. And that is fine. And so, I will do whatever it takes to take care of myself and to respect, embrace, and love the darkness because it will always remind me to keep myself safe, no matter what that might mean.
My favorite hymn every December speaks to my hurting and wounded inner child. "O Come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear." It helps me get through the weeks.
Thank you again.
What you’re describing isn’t you being “dramatic” in a benign situation at all. It is your body remembering the annual cost of disappearing to stay safe. I love that you’ve stopped fighting the dark cloud and started treating it like a weather report: adjust plans, protect energy, no moral failure attached. And that hymn line is painfully perfect for this season, captivity and exile is exactly what conditional belonging feels like.
Thank you for your response. I expanded my remarks and posted them at https://bedegary.substack.com/publish/posts/detail/182447927?referrer=%2Fpublish%2Fhome
I tried the link and it took me to a private page that I needed a password for.
I was both Diplomat and Truthteller.
As is often the case, coping skills became great tools in life.
That’s the sneaky part: the same skills that kept you safe can also keep you stuck performing for people who haven’t earned access. Use them where they build your life, not where they buy you a temporary seat at someone else’s table. Happy holidays, Leo ☺️
Exactly. No longer interested in transactional table membership. 😉
Thank you, Gino. It’s the kind of clarity I’ve been searching for but have been unable to find the right words to express