And your content is always so meaningful. Ellen Degeneres once said, "Why do we call it "Gay Marriage? We don't call it Straight Marriage. Oh for the day when Marriage is Marriage." Fondly, Michael
Thank you, Michael. That line still resonates because the extra label has always done more than describe, it creates distance. I’m ready for the day ordinary things stop needing a queer footnote.
Another great piece Gino, thank you. And you are right, being out and proud is the visibility someone else may need, even if they are not ready to be out themselves. I know I could have used that representation back in the day when I was a lone queer boy in the countryside of Bavaria.
Thanks, Matthias. Sometimes, being visible may seem minor from an outside perspective, but for the person seeking proof, it can alter their sense of what’s achievable.
I read your column with interest because it showed up in my email, and frankly, when you identified as a therapist, I was intrigued. Gay, straight, whatever color, it wouldn't matter because I am always intrigued by the human mind (other animals' minds too!).
The idea that you have to wear a mask in public is a familiar one. The idea that it's unique to gay men, or queer people, is something I've never heard. I'm a 65-yo white woman, an extreme introvert, and I've literally never been anywhere that I didn't have to wear a mask. In these years of living and talking with people (I don't really do small talk), I'm coming to the conclusion that very few people ever fail to put a mask on, different ones for different environments.
I suspect we learn them early, which behaviors are acceptable in which places, rooms, and which ones will get us punished.
It's possible that those mythical, yeti-like "well-adjusted" humans may not, but you couldn't prove it by me.
I'm certainly not trying to negate or diminish your struggle. I've had many dear friends with many kinds of struggles, and stood with them throughout. I've had my own, far more than "old white woman" could possibly convey. I guess I'm trying to say the people frequently have much more internal pain, much harder lives, than we can see from the outside.
Please don't discount your allies before you've allowed them to make themselves known to you. There are a lot of us, and we're not perfect, but we're here on the same side anyway, fighting for rights for all of us.
Thank you so much for your article. You are thoughtful, intelligent and I think the gay community is lucky to have you as a therapist.
Thank you for this, Carlyle. I agree that most people learn masks early, and I tried to make piece about what it does to you when that translation gets tied to identity so consistently that it starts to feel like personality. I also agree that this is certainly not unique to the queer community. I appreciate the care in your reading, and I’m glad you’re here. xx
I love this so much. And you may write gay content, but what you write is also broadly human, and broadly applicable. I think it's because you write from the inside, and you do with thoughtfulness and vulnerability.
Thank you, that’s very kind. I really believe that the more honestly someone writes from a real life, the less niche it becomes and the more people find themselves in it. x
The question you've been so often asked is, in itself, a reflection of the invisibility-visibility double-bind. I deeply related to this, albeit through a trans lens. Thanks for so eloquently and handily naming this as you have, Gino.
The question gives the whole thing away because it treats queer visibility as something that still needs a reason. I’m glad it resonated through a trans lens too, because that bind shows up in different forms across a lot of queer life. 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈
Your content is inspiring, and it resonates with me. After spending a lifetime closeted, I came out at 56 years old. I suffered a traumatic brain injury and almost died in 2024, but I have gratitude that I am now an elder at the Pride Center. The place I went 4 years ago for counseling after I came out in my neurodivergent way, after a career working in psychiatry as an RN. I basically grew up rapidly and became an elder, all in my 50’s, but what I really needed to learn to do, was to talk to men, openly, authentically. The brotherhood of men who accepted me, but didn’t know I had allowed a frightened child inside of me to finally exist. They saw the mask of an older healthcare professional, so noone ever saw anything I didn’t want them to. Now that I have been completely unmasked by my injuries second to felony assault, it gives me strength to arrange follow-up interviews on the news, for a purpose.
There’s a lot of hard-won life in this, Peter, and I respect the hell out of it. Sometimes the mask comes off by choice and sometimes life rips it off for you. What matters is what you’re doing with that truth now, which sounds deeply purposeful.
I love your writing. I’m grateful for it. There are a lot of us who grow up feeling invisible for many different reasons. I grew up that way, just finding my voice at 59. I can’t relate to your struggles or say that I understand them, but I can say that I want to understand.
Your willingness matters more than perfect understanding ever could. Finding your voice at 59 and staying open to lives you haven’t lived is rare, and honestly, a pretty beautiful way to move through the world.
From clients and friends, I keep seeing real freedom in that stage of life. Time sharpens things, and suddenly other people’s permissions start looking very flimsy.
That chest knot you mention usually knows where the truth is hiding. IMO, writing gets better when it stops trying to keep everyone comfortable, and the “right” readers feel that immediately. Keep writing ✍️
Weird how IRL long-term 'friends' vanish without a word, or a scene.
Something something something anonymity of communication via mass media.
Altho had a weird thing happen this week. Sitting in public park, taking a phone call. Guy sees my car sticker, “I believe in science.” Asks “that your car?” I say “yes” and he starts off on a screed how science isn’t logical while walking toward me.
Think I startled my caller with the vehemence of my yelled replies to “go away.” That type cuckoo has recently been emboldened, and enabled, in the US.
Some people treat other people’s existence like an invitation to perform their own unraveling in public. The disappearing act is grim enough, and the louder version is worse because it reminds you how quickly certain people feel entitled to your space.
And your content is always so meaningful. Ellen Degeneres once said, "Why do we call it "Gay Marriage? We don't call it Straight Marriage. Oh for the day when Marriage is Marriage." Fondly, Michael
Thank you, Michael. That line still resonates because the extra label has always done more than describe, it creates distance. I’m ready for the day ordinary things stop needing a queer footnote.
Couldn’t agree more
Thank you, Peter. In appreciate the support.
Another great piece Gino, thank you. And you are right, being out and proud is the visibility someone else may need, even if they are not ready to be out themselves. I know I could have used that representation back in the day when I was a lone queer boy in the countryside of Bavaria.
Thanks, Matthias. Sometimes, being visible may seem minor from an outside perspective, but for the person seeking proof, it can alter their sense of what’s achievable.
Keep doing what you're doing Gino! Love your content!
Thank you, Dan. I’m more interested in naming what’s real than making it neat, so I’m glad it’s landing where it needs to.
I read your column with interest because it showed up in my email, and frankly, when you identified as a therapist, I was intrigued. Gay, straight, whatever color, it wouldn't matter because I am always intrigued by the human mind (other animals' minds too!).
The idea that you have to wear a mask in public is a familiar one. The idea that it's unique to gay men, or queer people, is something I've never heard. I'm a 65-yo white woman, an extreme introvert, and I've literally never been anywhere that I didn't have to wear a mask. In these years of living and talking with people (I don't really do small talk), I'm coming to the conclusion that very few people ever fail to put a mask on, different ones for different environments.
I suspect we learn them early, which behaviors are acceptable in which places, rooms, and which ones will get us punished.
It's possible that those mythical, yeti-like "well-adjusted" humans may not, but you couldn't prove it by me.
I'm certainly not trying to negate or diminish your struggle. I've had many dear friends with many kinds of struggles, and stood with them throughout. I've had my own, far more than "old white woman" could possibly convey. I guess I'm trying to say the people frequently have much more internal pain, much harder lives, than we can see from the outside.
Please don't discount your allies before you've allowed them to make themselves known to you. There are a lot of us, and we're not perfect, but we're here on the same side anyway, fighting for rights for all of us.
Thank you so much for your article. You are thoughtful, intelligent and I think the gay community is lucky to have you as a therapist.
Thank you for this, Carlyle. I agree that most people learn masks early, and I tried to make piece about what it does to you when that translation gets tied to identity so consistently that it starts to feel like personality. I also agree that this is certainly not unique to the queer community. I appreciate the care in your reading, and I’m glad you’re here. xx
I love this so much. And you may write gay content, but what you write is also broadly human, and broadly applicable. I think it's because you write from the inside, and you do with thoughtfulness and vulnerability.
Thank you, that’s very kind. I really believe that the more honestly someone writes from a real life, the less niche it becomes and the more people find themselves in it. x
The question you've been so often asked is, in itself, a reflection of the invisibility-visibility double-bind. I deeply related to this, albeit through a trans lens. Thanks for so eloquently and handily naming this as you have, Gino.
The question gives the whole thing away because it treats queer visibility as something that still needs a reason. I’m glad it resonated through a trans lens too, because that bind shows up in different forms across a lot of queer life. 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈
Your content is inspiring, and it resonates with me. After spending a lifetime closeted, I came out at 56 years old. I suffered a traumatic brain injury and almost died in 2024, but I have gratitude that I am now an elder at the Pride Center. The place I went 4 years ago for counseling after I came out in my neurodivergent way, after a career working in psychiatry as an RN. I basically grew up rapidly and became an elder, all in my 50’s, but what I really needed to learn to do, was to talk to men, openly, authentically. The brotherhood of men who accepted me, but didn’t know I had allowed a frightened child inside of me to finally exist. They saw the mask of an older healthcare professional, so noone ever saw anything I didn’t want them to. Now that I have been completely unmasked by my injuries second to felony assault, it gives me strength to arrange follow-up interviews on the news, for a purpose.
There’s a lot of hard-won life in this, Peter, and I respect the hell out of it. Sometimes the mask comes off by choice and sometimes life rips it off for you. What matters is what you’re doing with that truth now, which sounds deeply purposeful.
I love your writing. I’m grateful for it. There are a lot of us who grow up feeling invisible for many different reasons. I grew up that way, just finding my voice at 59. I can’t relate to your struggles or say that I understand them, but I can say that I want to understand.
Your willingness matters more than perfect understanding ever could. Finding your voice at 59 and staying open to lives you haven’t lived is rare, and honestly, a pretty beautiful way to move through the world.
Those are very kind words. Thank you.
🙌
Thanks, Big_D, I’m glad that this resonated in some way ☺️
Well said. As a fellow 71-year-old gay man, time was running out. I rid myself of what others say I can say and instead say what I need to say.
From clients and friends, I keep seeing real freedom in that stage of life. Time sharpens things, and suddenly other people’s permissions start looking very flimsy.
When I restarted this Substack after leaving it dormant for over a year, all I wanted was to write about stuff that mattered to me.
When I thought about topics, I found myself purposely ignoring one—gay men.
There was this knot in my chest that always shows up when I'm anxious.
And just thinking about writing about gay men as a gay man made my chest heavy.
After a while I made peace with it.
If people don't wanna read anymore, there's always the unsubscribe button. Yes, I'll lose them. Probably lots of them.
But I’m gonna cherish every new gay subscriber who chooses to let me into their life.
Because I'm gay.
Thanks for this, G. You never fail to make me feel.
That chest knot you mention usually knows where the truth is hiding. IMO, writing gets better when it stops trying to keep everyone comfortable, and the “right” readers feel that immediately. Keep writing ✍️
Well duh. Of course and if folk aren’t interested, they should go away quietly. The end.
Exactly. The unsubscribe button is right there, and quiet exits are one of the more underrated social skills on the internet. 😌
Weird how IRL long-term 'friends' vanish without a word, or a scene.
Something something something anonymity of communication via mass media.
Altho had a weird thing happen this week. Sitting in public park, taking a phone call. Guy sees my car sticker, “I believe in science.” Asks “that your car?” I say “yes” and he starts off on a screed how science isn’t logical while walking toward me.
Think I startled my caller with the vehemence of my yelled replies to “go away.” That type cuckoo has recently been emboldened, and enabled, in the US.
Some people treat other people’s existence like an invitation to perform their own unraveling in public. The disappearing act is grim enough, and the louder version is worse because it reminds you how quickly certain people feel entitled to your space.