I just went through this experience, not as a patient, as a home caregiver, POA, and eventual manager of institutional care. He passed away this spring. I feel fortunate because, although our experience wasn't perfect, it was adequate—perhaps being in Canada made a difference.
The things I noticed:
People in management and health authority leadership get it. They have protections and policies in place. Problem is that they aren't the ones caring for LGBT elders on a daily basis. The disconnect there is obvious. We didn't have any anti-gay sentiment from caseworkers or nurses. The issue was more that they defaulted to hetero language: "did you have a wife?".
The one time I had an issue, it was dealt with promptly. A patient in a quad room was racist to some patients and called my loved one a "fa...t". I went immediately to the floor manager and reported this. It was taken seriously and they were moved that day. I considered this an adequate response given the lack of available rooms.
A legal health directive and POA benefits any person, but for LGBT folks it's a must. I constantly told health workers I was chosen family and they got it. The POA and health directive was a safety net I didn't use much, and when I did, I felt it was more about documentation that not respecting patient realities. Without those documents, I wouldn't have felt as assured that everyone was on the same page.
Although I paint a tolerable picture, I wouldn't say that facilities we encountered are gay positive. More specifically, I would say they have policy in place and are gay tolerant with the intention of being gay positive. They didn't have event programming for LGBT folks, which may be because patients didn't want to out themselves rather than not being willing.
Meanwhile, we watched Heated Rivalry in his room and didn't turn it off when staff entered. We knew any negative reaction would be kept to themselves. Also, he was about out of "fucks to give." ;)
This is such a useful distinction: policies and leadership can understand inclusion while the day-to-day experience still depends on staff who default to heterosexual assumptions.
I also think your point about legal documents matters. They are there for everyone, but for LGBTQ+ people they can provide reassurance that shouldn’t have to be earned through repeated explanation.
And frankly, watching Heated Rivalry without turning it off feels like a perfectly reasonable approach at that stage. ☺️
It's important to consider that LGBT rights are being rolled back. My advice not to rely on legislation that may taken away. A legal document will protect you.
This one really made me think. I am 57 now, closer to 60 than 50, and aging has become something I think about very differently than I did even ten years ago.
I am an openly gay man, and I have lived my whole life openly. I have never believed that being gay should define everything about me, but it is absolutely part of who I am and part of the life I have lived.
I also know caregiving from the other side.
I spent the final months of my husband Andrew’s life caring for him when he was bedridden. I never left his side. When you love someone and suddenly become their caregiver, dignity, patience, compassion and simply being there take on completely different meanings.
That experience changed me.
Now I find myself thinking about what happens when people like me become the ones needing care.
Growing older should never mean going backward. No gay man or woman who spent decades becoming comfortable with who they are should reach their final chapters and suddenly feel they need to hide again just to feel safe, respected or properly cared for.
But I also think good elder care ultimately comes down to something even bigger than labels.
Human dignity.
Know the person. Know their history. Know who they loved. Understand the life they lived before they became the older person sitting in that room.
There is an entire lifetime inside that person.
One day that person will be me.
One day it will be you.
How we care for people at the end of their lives says an awful lot about who we are while living ours.
Thank you for sharing this. Having cared for Andrew yourself, you understand something that is easy to miss when we talk about elder care in abstract terms: the person receiving care brings an entire history with them.
That history includes who they loved, what they survived, and what it took to become themselves. Care should never require them to leave any of that outside the room.
I just went through this experience, not as a patient, as a home caregiver, POA, and eventual manager of institutional care. He passed away this spring. I feel fortunate because, although our experience wasn't perfect, it was adequate—perhaps being in Canada made a difference.
The things I noticed:
People in management and health authority leadership get it. They have protections and policies in place. Problem is that they aren't the ones caring for LGBT elders on a daily basis. The disconnect there is obvious. We didn't have any anti-gay sentiment from caseworkers or nurses. The issue was more that they defaulted to hetero language: "did you have a wife?".
The one time I had an issue, it was dealt with promptly. A patient in a quad room was racist to some patients and called my loved one a "fa...t". I went immediately to the floor manager and reported this. It was taken seriously and they were moved that day. I considered this an adequate response given the lack of available rooms.
A legal health directive and POA benefits any person, but for LGBT folks it's a must. I constantly told health workers I was chosen family and they got it. The POA and health directive was a safety net I didn't use much, and when I did, I felt it was more about documentation that not respecting patient realities. Without those documents, I wouldn't have felt as assured that everyone was on the same page.
Although I paint a tolerable picture, I wouldn't say that facilities we encountered are gay positive. More specifically, I would say they have policy in place and are gay tolerant with the intention of being gay positive. They didn't have event programming for LGBT folks, which may be because patients didn't want to out themselves rather than not being willing.
Meanwhile, we watched Heated Rivalry in his room and didn't turn it off when staff entered. We knew any negative reaction would be kept to themselves. Also, he was about out of "fucks to give." ;)
This is such a useful distinction: policies and leadership can understand inclusion while the day-to-day experience still depends on staff who default to heterosexual assumptions.
I also think your point about legal documents matters. They are there for everyone, but for LGBTQ+ people they can provide reassurance that shouldn’t have to be earned through repeated explanation.
And frankly, watching Heated Rivalry without turning it off feels like a perfectly reasonable approach at that stage. ☺️
It's important to consider that LGBT rights are being rolled back. My advice not to rely on legislation that may taken away. A legal document will protect you.
This one really made me think. I am 57 now, closer to 60 than 50, and aging has become something I think about very differently than I did even ten years ago.
I am an openly gay man, and I have lived my whole life openly. I have never believed that being gay should define everything about me, but it is absolutely part of who I am and part of the life I have lived.
I also know caregiving from the other side.
I spent the final months of my husband Andrew’s life caring for him when he was bedridden. I never left his side. When you love someone and suddenly become their caregiver, dignity, patience, compassion and simply being there take on completely different meanings.
That experience changed me.
Now I find myself thinking about what happens when people like me become the ones needing care.
Growing older should never mean going backward. No gay man or woman who spent decades becoming comfortable with who they are should reach their final chapters and suddenly feel they need to hide again just to feel safe, respected or properly cared for.
But I also think good elder care ultimately comes down to something even bigger than labels.
Human dignity.
Know the person. Know their history. Know who they loved. Understand the life they lived before they became the older person sitting in that room.
There is an entire lifetime inside that person.
One day that person will be me.
One day it will be you.
How we care for people at the end of their lives says an awful lot about who we are while living ours.
Thank you for sharing this. Having cared for Andrew yourself, you understand something that is easy to miss when we talk about elder care in abstract terms: the person receiving care brings an entire history with them.
That history includes who they loved, what they survived, and what it took to become themselves. Care should never require them to leave any of that outside the room.
Wow. This is a lot to think about.
I hear you, Daniel. I’d rather we be at a stage where we didn’t have to think so much about it.