The funny thing is that a lot of what people spend years searching for ends up looking remarkably ordinary once they find it. Shared routines, inside jokes, deciding what to eat, and having someone there at the end of the day can be a pretty good life.
I can totally relate. I've been with my husband for 37 years and yes our life has developed into a series of routines, shared experiences, friendships and so on. I wouldn't trade it!
Thirty seven years is no small thing. 👏🏻 At that point the routines, shared history, and ordinary moments become part of the relationship itself. Going on 18 years, I wouldn’t trade that either.
The reason heterosexual people don't understand queer people is because they wake up everyday and they are them,in a world that is made for them.They don't even notice the damn Privilege they have over people like us.I remember being with a hetero person in my past life and everyday i woke up,i had to perform straightness and it felt like drowning but in slow motion. I know my life is not "style" because i don't do any preparation to live it,i just wake up and boom i'm queer
Gino, I like "There’s a life here. Not a lifestyle. A life built out of routines, relationships, responsibilities, habits, and small decisions. Over time, these become repeated often enough they become a home." I guess that even gay men are like all other men in some ways. We are all people and on the continuum from flashy, funny, vibrant, creative, beautiful to boring, dull, plain, unimaginative, ugly and a variety of which and when as well. Thanks. Fondly, Michael
Thanks, Michael. I think that’s exactly it. Gay men can be funny, creative, dramatic, dull, kind, difficult, interesting, and completely ordinary, often all in the same week.
The more years I spend understanding other gay men, the less interested I am in categories and the more interested I am in people. Most lives look surprisingly similar once you get close enough to see them.
No one's existence should be up for debate. You make excellent points: It is all about others' inability to consider the experiences of other people, to find the similar rather than the different, and to become involved in someone else's life beyond what is decent or reasonable. And yes, It's much harder to stop and admit they might be wrong, that they might not have all the answers and everything figured out. I know the experience I've had as a person with disability is quite different, but I can also say that people rarely understand what it's really like to be blind, or have any other disability. It took me years to understand that it had nothing to do with who I am as a person, but rather with others' views and fears. It does affect us when people refuse to consider the human being behind the stereotype in their head, and I am grateful you are helping others to find ways to cope.
Thank you for this, Tali. I think there’s a lot of overlap in what you’re describing. Many people move through the world carrying assumptions, fears, and stereotypes that have very little to do with the actual person in front of them.
It sounds like you’ve done a great deal of work separating other people’s perceptions from your own sense of self, and that’s wonderful. I’m glad you shared that perspective. ☺️
I must confess, I’ve been rather confused by this neon leather business. Have I been doing this all wrong 😂 ? My wife joked that we may have to attend one of those fancy rooftop parties you mentioned to solve the mystery. 😳
And yes -- as a lesbian, I can confirm that the only “lifestyle” I ever chose was the one where I tried not to 'look' like myself.
😂 I think the rooftop party invitation may still be lost in the mail.
I think many queer people would recognise that the only performance they consciously chose was trying not to look, sound, or seem too much like themselves. ☺️
love the questions you mentioned to use when someone assumes being gay is lifestyle! very handy. also at the end of the day in general, don't label me, don't put me in a box and don't make generalized assumptions. Those usually miss the target.
I’m with you on that. Labels can be useful when they’re chosen for ourselves. They become a problem when they’re used as shortcuts that replace curiosity.
'Almost none are struggling with being gay.' What a change for the better! Now it's on to a more difficult problem: 'mistaking a stereotype for an instruction manual.' The stereotype keeps many (most?) guys from coming out. Compare to blind people. The stereotype is mostly that they can't see and have trouble doing some things, which most blind people would agree with (while still pushing back at bigotry). For many gay men, the stereotype is frightening and discouraging. You've done a great job at pointing out the folly in letting a stereotype make decisions. But damn... the gay stereotype is powerful force.
I think you’re right about that. A stereotype becomes especially powerful when it’s one of the only stories available to you. If a young gay man believes the stereotype is the whole picture, he isn’t just deciding whether to come out. He’s deciding whether he wants the life he thinks comes with it.
A lot of men discover much later that being gay tellsI think you’re right about that. A stereotype becomes especially powerful when it’s one of the only stories available to you. If a young gay man believes the stereotype is the whole picture, he isn’t just deciding whether to come out. He’s deciding whether he wants the life he thinks comes with it. A lot of men discover much later that being gay tells you who you’re attracted to. It tells you almost nothing about how you’ll build a life. That’s where the stereotype starts losing its grip. you who you’re attracted to. It tells you almost nothing about how you’ll build a life. That’s where the stereotype starts losing its grip.
The older I get, the more I’m drawn to people who have lost their certainty and kept their humanity. The leper’s pleading feels closer to many real lives than heroic virtue ever did. Thank you for sharing this.
Domestic repition is underrated. The older I get, the more I think a lot of happiness is built from the ordinary things happening over and over with people you enjoy being around. 😊
"Lifestyle," is an irritant that's followed me around for 67 years. There was never a gay "lifestyle" manual that gave me instruction on how to lead such a life of style. I gave up trying to define it. I heard on more than one occasion, "I have nothing against you, but I can't condone your lifestyle." What do you mean? That I get up every morning, drink coffee, take a shower, and face what the day has to offer? The one where I do all the cooking and much of the housework?
If that's an issue with anyone, well, it's not my issue.
Exactly, Stephen. The word falls apart the moment anyone tries to define it. Most of what you’ve described sounds like a very ordinary life lived by a person who happens to be gay.
After 67 years, I can understand why the term has worn thin. At some point you stop trying to explain yourself and let other people wrestle with their own assumptions.
It took me 95% of my life to learn that I don't have to live according to the straight male "shoulds" and "should nots."
I hate that the possibility of an ordinary life for us as gay men makes the ones who can't visualize the same for us, hate us, profile us, and label us as abnormal.
I was just like you when you were a kid well into my early 20s. I'm 26 now and those inhibitory, self-censoring reflexes are still hard to get rid of. I was so sick of hiding that I compensated for the time lost in the wrong way by reducing myself to just a body to be used.
I'm positive that if the boring, ordinary, life with unconditional love and acceptance were modeled for me and people like me, I may not have been led astray by the viral gay twitter stereotypes.
I hope I get to spend several boring days with my future man like you get to with yours.
That makes a lot of sense, Karthik When all you see are stereotypes, it’s easy to mistake them for instructions. We can spend years trying to find ourselves in stories that aren't designed to hold the full reality of our lives. At 26, you’re still very early in the process of undoing those old reflexes. The fact that you can see them so clearly already matters. And yes, I hope you get those boring days too. They end up being far more valuable than they look from the outside.
This is a wonderful post! I hope to meet my forever partner someday and enjoy all the “boring” times together.
The funny thing is that a lot of what people spend years searching for ends up looking remarkably ordinary once they find it. Shared routines, inside jokes, deciding what to eat, and having someone there at the end of the day can be a pretty good life.
I can totally relate. I've been with my husband for 37 years and yes our life has developed into a series of routines, shared experiences, friendships and so on. I wouldn't trade it!
Thirty seven years is no small thing. 👏🏻 At that point the routines, shared history, and ordinary moments become part of the relationship itself. Going on 18 years, I wouldn’t trade that either.
Same! 39 years and counting...
🎉
The reason heterosexual people don't understand queer people is because they wake up everyday and they are them,in a world that is made for them.They don't even notice the damn Privilege they have over people like us.I remember being with a hetero person in my past life and everyday i woke up,i had to perform straightness and it felt like drowning but in slow motion. I know my life is not "style" because i don't do any preparation to live it,i just wake up and boom i'm queer
That distinction matters, U.Y. Waking up and being yourself only requires a life.
Gino, I like "There’s a life here. Not a lifestyle. A life built out of routines, relationships, responsibilities, habits, and small decisions. Over time, these become repeated often enough they become a home." I guess that even gay men are like all other men in some ways. We are all people and on the continuum from flashy, funny, vibrant, creative, beautiful to boring, dull, plain, unimaginative, ugly and a variety of which and when as well. Thanks. Fondly, Michael
Thanks, Michael. I think that’s exactly it. Gay men can be funny, creative, dramatic, dull, kind, difficult, interesting, and completely ordinary, often all in the same week.
The more years I spend understanding other gay men, the less interested I am in categories and the more interested I am in people. Most lives look surprisingly similar once you get close enough to see them.
Gino, I like “Most lives look surprisingly similar once you get close enough to see them.” I have maintained that for a while. Fondly, Michael
No one's existence should be up for debate. You make excellent points: It is all about others' inability to consider the experiences of other people, to find the similar rather than the different, and to become involved in someone else's life beyond what is decent or reasonable. And yes, It's much harder to stop and admit they might be wrong, that they might not have all the answers and everything figured out. I know the experience I've had as a person with disability is quite different, but I can also say that people rarely understand what it's really like to be blind, or have any other disability. It took me years to understand that it had nothing to do with who I am as a person, but rather with others' views and fears. It does affect us when people refuse to consider the human being behind the stereotype in their head, and I am grateful you are helping others to find ways to cope.
Thank you for this, Tali. I think there’s a lot of overlap in what you’re describing. Many people move through the world carrying assumptions, fears, and stereotypes that have very little to do with the actual person in front of them.
It sounds like you’ve done a great deal of work separating other people’s perceptions from your own sense of self, and that’s wonderful. I’m glad you shared that perspective. ☺️
After 30 years, my husband and I don’t consider ourselves boring. We consider ourselves dependable.
I must confess, I’ve been rather confused by this neon leather business. Have I been doing this all wrong 😂 ? My wife joked that we may have to attend one of those fancy rooftop parties you mentioned to solve the mystery. 😳
And yes -- as a lesbian, I can confirm that the only “lifestyle” I ever chose was the one where I tried not to 'look' like myself.
😂 I think the rooftop party invitation may still be lost in the mail.
I think many queer people would recognise that the only performance they consciously chose was trying not to look, sound, or seem too much like themselves. ☺️
love the questions you mentioned to use when someone assumes being gay is lifestyle! very handy. also at the end of the day in general, don't label me, don't put me in a box and don't make generalized assumptions. Those usually miss the target.
I’m with you on that. Labels can be useful when they’re chosen for ourselves. They become a problem when they’re used as shortcuts that replace curiosity.
Stunningly put! 👏🏻
Thank you. I think there comes a point where simplicity carries more truth than certainty. beautifully.
'Almost none are struggling with being gay.' What a change for the better! Now it's on to a more difficult problem: 'mistaking a stereotype for an instruction manual.' The stereotype keeps many (most?) guys from coming out. Compare to blind people. The stereotype is mostly that they can't see and have trouble doing some things, which most blind people would agree with (while still pushing back at bigotry). For many gay men, the stereotype is frightening and discouraging. You've done a great job at pointing out the folly in letting a stereotype make decisions. But damn... the gay stereotype is powerful force.
I think you’re right about that. A stereotype becomes especially powerful when it’s one of the only stories available to you. If a young gay man believes the stereotype is the whole picture, he isn’t just deciding whether to come out. He’s deciding whether he wants the life he thinks comes with it.
A lot of men discover much later that being gay tellsI think you’re right about that. A stereotype becomes especially powerful when it’s one of the only stories available to you. If a young gay man believes the stereotype is the whole picture, he isn’t just deciding whether to come out. He’s deciding whether he wants the life he thinks comes with it. A lot of men discover much later that being gay tells you who you’re attracted to. It tells you almost nothing about how you’ll build a life. That’s where the stereotype starts losing its grip. you who you’re attracted to. It tells you almost nothing about how you’ll build a life. That’s where the stereotype starts losing its grip.
Gritty Faith
I need simple now,
too battle-scarred
for platitudes
or the complex clauses
of mystical musings
in small print.
My eyes are sore,
the light is dull;
weary old men like me
shudder at depictions
of heroism.
I don’t fit in
with pious veiled maidens
or muscular youths
sexless and sober,
sure they’ve found
the only right way.
I thought that way too
way back then, when
I’d deceive myself,
so sure that nothing
would ever unsettle
my righteousness.
Speak to me no longer
of heroic virtue.
No, instead,
link me with the leper’s
desperate pleading.
Yes! That makes more sense
right now
than lofty theology.
06.24.26
BGC
The older I get, the more I’m drawn to people who have lost their certainty and kept their humanity. The leper’s pleading feels closer to many real lives than heroic virtue ever did. Thank you for sharing this.
Taking a break from the Hollywood hoopla has let us wallow in domestic repetition. That's the definition of lifestyle for me. 😊
Domestic repition is underrated. The older I get, the more I think a lot of happiness is built from the ordinary things happening over and over with people you enjoy being around. 😊
"Lifestyle," is an irritant that's followed me around for 67 years. There was never a gay "lifestyle" manual that gave me instruction on how to lead such a life of style. I gave up trying to define it. I heard on more than one occasion, "I have nothing against you, but I can't condone your lifestyle." What do you mean? That I get up every morning, drink coffee, take a shower, and face what the day has to offer? The one where I do all the cooking and much of the housework?
If that's an issue with anyone, well, it's not my issue.
Exactly, Stephen. The word falls apart the moment anyone tries to define it. Most of what you’ve described sounds like a very ordinary life lived by a person who happens to be gay.
After 67 years, I can understand why the term has worn thin. At some point you stop trying to explain yourself and let other people wrestle with their own assumptions.
It took me 95% of my life to learn that I don't have to live according to the straight male "shoulds" and "should nots."
I hate that the possibility of an ordinary life for us as gay men makes the ones who can't visualize the same for us, hate us, profile us, and label us as abnormal.
I was just like you when you were a kid well into my early 20s. I'm 26 now and those inhibitory, self-censoring reflexes are still hard to get rid of. I was so sick of hiding that I compensated for the time lost in the wrong way by reducing myself to just a body to be used.
I'm positive that if the boring, ordinary, life with unconditional love and acceptance were modeled for me and people like me, I may not have been led astray by the viral gay twitter stereotypes.
I hope I get to spend several boring days with my future man like you get to with yours.
That makes a lot of sense, Karthik When all you see are stereotypes, it’s easy to mistake them for instructions. We can spend years trying to find ourselves in stories that aren't designed to hold the full reality of our lives. At 26, you’re still very early in the process of undoing those old reflexes. The fact that you can see them so clearly already matters. And yes, I hope you get those boring days too. They end up being far more valuable than they look from the outside.