I know that ache well. The death is one thing, and then there’s the whole life of “almosts” sitting behind it. The conversations that didn’t happen, the warmth that didn’t return, the version of father and son that never quite got a chance.
this hit a nerve Gino, the relationship with my dad did not change over the years, but it died about three years ago and I buried it. I like your connection grief, because he is alive and well (as far as I know), but it still feels like he is no longer with me. While the circumstances may have been rough and it was the right choice, sometimes doubt creeps in. We will see what the years may bring.
That sounds like a very real loss, Matthias. Even with him still alive somewhere in the world. Doubt creeping in makes sense too, especially when the choice was made for your own survival rather than comfort. Some grief takes years to stop asking for a different ending.
Oh, Gino...I had a similar relationship with my mother. We butted heads like two buttheads. Each of us refusing to budge on the idea of what our relationship should be instead of what it was. I miss her, but I don't miss having the non-body grief you describe. At least now, five-plus years after her passing, I'm able to look back, not in anger but in love. With a few battle scars. Thank you for giving me some food for thought. Cheers!
“We butted heads like two buttheads” is very human, Clint. That shift after death can be strange too; I relate. The conflict stops renewing itself, and then you’re left with the love, the damage, and whatever truth you’re able to hold without bracing. Here’s to the battle scars. ☺️
My father was closeted. And I didn't find out til my 40's, after his passing.
In childhood, I was a project , a chance to undo his own sexual orientation.
Well, that worked out great. lol . He saw his own perceived "flaws" mirrored back at him.... in me.
The Boomer generation are much better at faking it ... than we Gen X are.
I defied. I rebelled. I stood up to him.
When he passed, there was nothing for me to mourn, and nothing for me to be angry at. 5+ years of therapy and all we've really uncovered is disappointment and a lot of understanding about my father. 😊
That sounds like a specific disappointment: realizing your childhood was shaped around someone else’s fear of himself. Understanding him may explain a lot, and it doesn’t undo how much pressure was put on you as a child. Thanks for sharing, Leo.
"Father wound" is very accurate. I recognize so much of what you mention here. My father emotionally checked out of his own life for a long time during my formative years. It took a lot of lovely and helpful therapy to realize it was his own trauma from childhood that was responsible, not me.
Realising his absence came from somewhere long before you is a big shift. It gives the wound a cleaner shape, which can be a relief for some. And yes, therapy can be lovely when it finally helps you stop carrying what was never yours.
When you're a gay man looking back on your upbringing, you start to see that the love you received was always conditional, if your early life was anything like mine.
I waited for years for my parents to come apologize to me, or at the very least take some responsibility for their actions and how it impacted me. When I couldn't take it anymore and confronted them, all I got were vague, deflecting replies. That's when I decided to let go. To rather see myself instead of hoping to be seen by them.
Vague, deflecting replies can keep a person trapped for years because they sound close enough to accountability to make you hope again. I’m glad you found your way out of that loop, Karthik.
Gino, Good seeing it in writing. Thanks. My dad was a working class man, no education, lower middle class. Yet that same separation occurred when I entered puberty. And I mourned the loss, unknowingly, for the rest of his life. My sound bite today is, "I do not mourn his death, I mourn miss opportunities." I have written about it: https://mhorvich.substack.com/p/gay-son-mourns-his-fathers-passing?r=3z5war&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
I know that ache well. The death is one thing, and then there’s the whole life of “almosts” sitting behind it. The conversations that didn’t happen, the warmth that didn’t return, the version of father and son that never quite got a chance.
Thanks Gino. And it is amazing how memories of him are still absent today. Fondly, Michael
this hit a nerve Gino, the relationship with my dad did not change over the years, but it died about three years ago and I buried it. I like your connection grief, because he is alive and well (as far as I know), but it still feels like he is no longer with me. While the circumstances may have been rough and it was the right choice, sometimes doubt creeps in. We will see what the years may bring.
That sounds like a very real loss, Matthias. Even with him still alive somewhere in the world. Doubt creeping in makes sense too, especially when the choice was made for your own survival rather than comfort. Some grief takes years to stop asking for a different ending.
Oh, Gino...I had a similar relationship with my mother. We butted heads like two buttheads. Each of us refusing to budge on the idea of what our relationship should be instead of what it was. I miss her, but I don't miss having the non-body grief you describe. At least now, five-plus years after her passing, I'm able to look back, not in anger but in love. With a few battle scars. Thank you for giving me some food for thought. Cheers!
“We butted heads like two buttheads” is very human, Clint. That shift after death can be strange too; I relate. The conflict stops renewing itself, and then you’re left with the love, the damage, and whatever truth you’re able to hold without bracing. Here’s to the battle scars. ☺️
My father was closeted. And I didn't find out til my 40's, after his passing.
In childhood, I was a project , a chance to undo his own sexual orientation.
Well, that worked out great. lol . He saw his own perceived "flaws" mirrored back at him.... in me.
The Boomer generation are much better at faking it ... than we Gen X are.
I defied. I rebelled. I stood up to him.
When he passed, there was nothing for me to mourn, and nothing for me to be angry at. 5+ years of therapy and all we've really uncovered is disappointment and a lot of understanding about my father. 😊
That sounds like a specific disappointment: realizing your childhood was shaped around someone else’s fear of himself. Understanding him may explain a lot, and it doesn’t undo how much pressure was put on you as a child. Thanks for sharing, Leo.
"Father wound" is very accurate. I recognize so much of what you mention here. My father emotionally checked out of his own life for a long time during my formative years. It took a lot of lovely and helpful therapy to realize it was his own trauma from childhood that was responsible, not me.
I wrote about our father/son journey shortly after he died: https://patrickerwin.substack.com/p/my-fathers-shadow
Realising his absence came from somewhere long before you is a big shift. It gives the wound a cleaner shape, which can be a relief for some. And yes, therapy can be lovely when it finally helps you stop carrying what was never yours.
In life, hope is a necessary evil.
When you're a gay man looking back on your upbringing, you start to see that the love you received was always conditional, if your early life was anything like mine.
I waited for years for my parents to come apologize to me, or at the very least take some responsibility for their actions and how it impacted me. When I couldn't take it anymore and confronted them, all I got were vague, deflecting replies. That's when I decided to let go. To rather see myself instead of hoping to be seen by them.
Thanks for this, Gino.
Vague, deflecting replies can keep a person trapped for years because they sound close enough to accountability to make you hope again. I’m glad you found your way out of that loop, Karthik.