That means a lot to me. I wrote it for the version of all of us who felt unseen for too long so hearing it resonate that deeply feels like the circle closing a little.
Believe me, I cannot thank you enough for your brilliance in writing it. I have written about loneliness on here too in the past, from the intersectionality of a single gay man in his forties- so this very much spoke to my passion topics. But to see it written and presented in the way that you have? Beyond mind-blowing. So many truth-bombs. Enormous gratitude to you - Paul.
I live in India and I hope to get out of here sometime. Being here sucks because the only way you could get in touch with a gay guy is through Grindr for hookups.
After months of addicted Grindr hunting, meaningless convos and going borederline insane, I decided to swear off the community entirely. I felt that feeling hollow in my chest was not worth it.
But on the off chance that I do meet someone good online, I ruin it by trauma-dumping or phasing myself out. There is the constant thought in the back of my head, "You're too ugly and too broken and all you'd do is more harm". The voice is not wrong, though.
I used to be fit and religious with my health but I am the complete opposite of it now. And yes, I have depression and nothing seems to be worth struggling for anymore. Everything is overwhelming and sends me into catastrophizing. Maybe I didnt see the point in staying fit anymore cuz I see no way out of my current situation.
Loneliness is definitely a factor in all this. The weird part is, I'm comfortable staying like this.
You didn’t create these patterns out of weakness; you built them to survive a place that gives you almost no space to be yourself. And that voice telling you you’re ugly or broken is just the loneliness talking through a megaphone, not the truth.
Gino, A number of comments from your page came across on my iPhone that really spoke to me so I decided to subscribe. I did so for FREE, althought on first look I believe you are worth much more but honestly I must carefully husband my financial resource as a retired 80 year old. Maybe at a later date? I loved this article as you covered so many truths and the reasoning behind those truths on why gueer people feel and think and behave the way they do. So thank you for that. Concurrently, I have been working on a piece that looks at specific such experiences since I can early remember to this day that have shaped my life, caused me to disguise it, allowed me to open it, and have brought me to where I am today. So thanks for all of that. Fondy, Michael P.S. I think I see that you also subscribe to me and if so, thanks.
It means a lot that you’re here, Michael. Your reflections carry the weight of someone who’s lived the full arc of queer life, and that perspective is rare and grounding. I’m glad the piece met you where you are, and I’d love to read whatever you’re working on when you feel ready to share it.
My posting schedule is: M and F = new pieces. T = Collections. W = old pieces from P&P. Th = Photographs. I also do CHATS, RESTACKS, and NOTES now and then. So you may get to see more of me than you want to 🙄. Fondly, Michael
I too am a therapist. Trained at William Alanson White. I started and facilitate a beautiful support group for orthodox Jewish men, on zoom. Our goal is to experience that each of us is not alone. We are each different, but not alone. God made us the way we are. We each find our own way. Your writing is so beautiful and positive.
Good read Gino. That line....“you learned to be unknowable because being known was dangerous”.. whew, yeah. That one sat heavy. Even now, at forty, with the “good job,” the condo, the life that’s supposed to mean I made it. Still catch myself shrinking in rooms, softening my edges so I don’t seem “too much" as a queer latino man in the tech space. Its hard. It’s wild how the same instincts that kept us safe still run how we operate. Everyday, I’ve been trying to show up different, more me if you will, but damn it’s uncomfortable some days. Like my body doesn’t believe it’s safe yet in certain spaces. Maybe that’s the work though, right? I dunno. I'm learning how to stay visible and finding that balance. I can't go back to the old place.
Anyways. Great read. I look forward to a lot of your pieces. They defiantly make me stop and think. Keep writing.
Thanks, that means a lot. You’re right, the body often lags behind the mind’s progress. Learning that visibility can coexist with safety is lifelong work, but what you described is exactly how it begins.
Strangely,this learned loneliness can persist even when you’re in a permanent stable relationship. The couple feel that it's 'the two of them against the world'.
That “us against the world” bond can feel protective at first, but it often hides the same isolation underneath... just shared now by two people instead of one.
I think this is one of the best pieces that I have ever read on Substack, ever - if not THE best.
I related to it so very deeply.
I wish everybody who knew me would read this.
Thank you 🙏
That means a lot to me. I wrote it for the version of all of us who felt unseen for too long so hearing it resonate that deeply feels like the circle closing a little.
Believe me, I cannot thank you enough for your brilliance in writing it. I have written about loneliness on here too in the past, from the intersectionality of a single gay man in his forties- so this very much spoke to my passion topics. But to see it written and presented in the way that you have? Beyond mind-blowing. So many truth-bombs. Enormous gratitude to you - Paul.
Every single piece of this hit like a bag of bricks. Thank you for saying the hard parts out loud!
I appreciate that, LW. Sometimes the truth hurts because it’s finally naming what we’ve carried for years.
I felt every word of this.
I live in India and I hope to get out of here sometime. Being here sucks because the only way you could get in touch with a gay guy is through Grindr for hookups.
After months of addicted Grindr hunting, meaningless convos and going borederline insane, I decided to swear off the community entirely. I felt that feeling hollow in my chest was not worth it.
But on the off chance that I do meet someone good online, I ruin it by trauma-dumping or phasing myself out. There is the constant thought in the back of my head, "You're too ugly and too broken and all you'd do is more harm". The voice is not wrong, though.
I used to be fit and religious with my health but I am the complete opposite of it now. And yes, I have depression and nothing seems to be worth struggling for anymore. Everything is overwhelming and sends me into catastrophizing. Maybe I didnt see the point in staying fit anymore cuz I see no way out of my current situation.
Loneliness is definitely a factor in all this. The weird part is, I'm comfortable staying like this.
You didn’t create these patterns out of weakness; you built them to survive a place that gives you almost no space to be yourself. And that voice telling you you’re ugly or broken is just the loneliness talking through a megaphone, not the truth.
Gino, A number of comments from your page came across on my iPhone that really spoke to me so I decided to subscribe. I did so for FREE, althought on first look I believe you are worth much more but honestly I must carefully husband my financial resource as a retired 80 year old. Maybe at a later date? I loved this article as you covered so many truths and the reasoning behind those truths on why gueer people feel and think and behave the way they do. So thank you for that. Concurrently, I have been working on a piece that looks at specific such experiences since I can early remember to this day that have shaped my life, caused me to disguise it, allowed me to open it, and have brought me to where I am today. So thanks for all of that. Fondy, Michael P.S. I think I see that you also subscribe to me and if so, thanks.
It means a lot that you’re here, Michael. Your reflections carry the weight of someone who’s lived the full arc of queer life, and that perspective is rare and grounding. I’m glad the piece met you where you are, and I’d love to read whatever you’re working on when you feel ready to share it.
My posting schedule is: M and F = new pieces. T = Collections. W = old pieces from P&P. Th = Photographs. I also do CHATS, RESTACKS, and NOTES now and then. So you may get to see more of me than you want to 🙄. Fondly, Michael
I too am a therapist. Trained at William Alanson White. I started and facilitate a beautiful support group for orthodox Jewish men, on zoom. Our goal is to experience that each of us is not alone. We are each different, but not alone. God made us the way we are. We each find our own way. Your writing is so beautiful and positive.
Thanks so much, David. What you’re doing by creating a space where difference and belonging can exist together is deeply meaningful work.
Good read Gino. That line....“you learned to be unknowable because being known was dangerous”.. whew, yeah. That one sat heavy. Even now, at forty, with the “good job,” the condo, the life that’s supposed to mean I made it. Still catch myself shrinking in rooms, softening my edges so I don’t seem “too much" as a queer latino man in the tech space. Its hard. It’s wild how the same instincts that kept us safe still run how we operate. Everyday, I’ve been trying to show up different, more me if you will, but damn it’s uncomfortable some days. Like my body doesn’t believe it’s safe yet in certain spaces. Maybe that’s the work though, right? I dunno. I'm learning how to stay visible and finding that balance. I can't go back to the old place.
Anyways. Great read. I look forward to a lot of your pieces. They defiantly make me stop and think. Keep writing.
Thanks, that means a lot. You’re right, the body often lags behind the mind’s progress. Learning that visibility can coexist with safety is lifelong work, but what you described is exactly how it begins.
Just restacked an essay I wrote on a similar topic: https://mhorvich.substack.com/p/gay-loneliness-is-it-a-symptom-or
Strangely,this learned loneliness can persist even when you’re in a permanent stable relationship. The couple feel that it's 'the two of them against the world'.
That “us against the world” bond can feel protective at first, but it often hides the same isolation underneath... just shared now by two people instead of one.
Thank you. I wanted to name what many of us quietly feel but rarely say out loud. Glad it connected.