Gino, You are the only person, therapist, I know who discusses the idea of scanning a room and making oneself small. So very important and I have begun to use the concepts in my writing, so thank you.
Yes I am probably doing that again with trump running the show but it hurts less because for my 80 year life, or at least that part of it which has been sentient, I have been dealing with it and for a good part of my adult life I have successfully stopped scanning and be"little"ing myself. Also, as an elder, I am less visible in general :-)
This statement made me cry: Visibility is what changed everything. It is the only thing that ever has. The men in the seventies who held hands on streets while people threw bottles at them were doing public work that none of them would have called work. They were making themselves into evidence." I didn't realize how much those early days affected me.
Also my ANTICIPATORY GRIEF is in full action. ANTICIPATORY GRIEF is something I know well, have experienced, have talked about, and have shared as a public speaker on grief ... due to my 12 years walking the Alzheimer's Path with my husband, Gregory.
So thank you Gino. I bless (not religiously :-) the day I met you at Substacks and continue to value, learn from, and enjoy you!
Michael, this means a lot. The fact that you can name scanning and making yourself small after eighty years of living through it says something very real about what the body learns and what it can slowly unlearn.
And Gregory’s Alzheimer’s path gives anticipatory grief a whole other weight, so I’m especially moved that this language connected there. As for elder invisibility, it has terrible branding and occasionally useful camouflage. I’m very glad we crossed paths here. Blessing accepted, secularly of course.
I used to do this with my mannerisms—how I walked, how I moved my hands, how I crossed my legs, how "girly" my voice was—you name it. I was overly anxious hours in advance about this every time I had to go out with my friends. It was subtle but I hated that I had to.
What's worse is, with time the self-correction became second nature, and the its unlearning and unconditioning felt uncomfortable when I first started to work on these.
That makes sense, Karthik. When you’ve spent years monitoring your voice, hands, walk, posture, all of it, the correction can start before you even notice it. Unlearning it can feel strangely exposed at first, because the familiar way reduced anxiety and also cost you.
Sometimes “spouse” keeps the conversation moving when you can already feel someone making your life the topic. The fact that we even calculate that says plenty.
Gino, You are the only person, therapist, I know who discusses the idea of scanning a room and making oneself small. So very important and I have begun to use the concepts in my writing, so thank you.
Yes I am probably doing that again with trump running the show but it hurts less because for my 80 year life, or at least that part of it which has been sentient, I have been dealing with it and for a good part of my adult life I have successfully stopped scanning and be"little"ing myself. Also, as an elder, I am less visible in general :-)
This statement made me cry: Visibility is what changed everything. It is the only thing that ever has. The men in the seventies who held hands on streets while people threw bottles at them were doing public work that none of them would have called work. They were making themselves into evidence." I didn't realize how much those early days affected me.
Also my ANTICIPATORY GRIEF is in full action. ANTICIPATORY GRIEF is something I know well, have experienced, have talked about, and have shared as a public speaker on grief ... due to my 12 years walking the Alzheimer's Path with my husband, Gregory.
So thank you Gino. I bless (not religiously :-) the day I met you at Substacks and continue to value, learn from, and enjoy you!
Fondly, Michael
Michael, this means a lot. The fact that you can name scanning and making yourself small after eighty years of living through it says something very real about what the body learns and what it can slowly unlearn.
And Gregory’s Alzheimer’s path gives anticipatory grief a whole other weight, so I’m especially moved that this language connected there. As for elder invisibility, it has terrible branding and occasionally useful camouflage. I’m very glad we crossed paths here. Blessing accepted, secularly of course.
I used to do this with my mannerisms—how I walked, how I moved my hands, how I crossed my legs, how "girly" my voice was—you name it. I was overly anxious hours in advance about this every time I had to go out with my friends. It was subtle but I hated that I had to.
What's worse is, with time the self-correction became second nature, and the its unlearning and unconditioning felt uncomfortable when I first started to work on these.
That makes sense, Karthik. When you’ve spent years monitoring your voice, hands, walk, posture, all of it, the correction can start before you even notice it. Unlearning it can feel strangely exposed at first, because the familiar way reduced anxiety and also cost you.
I scan every room. I scan it for fragility, which shows itself as opinion and certainty and obliviousness.
At this point in my life, I have no interest in walking on eggshells around people who are participating in my life. 💕
People who require tiptoeing don’t need full access to your life. ☺️
Exactly. 💜
In certain situations, I refer to my husband as spouse.
Sometimes “spouse” keeps the conversation moving when you can already feel someone making your life the topic. The fact that we even calculate that says plenty.
Overwhelming..
It is overwhelming. Sometimes the hardest part is realising how much we’ve been carrying quietly and calling it normal.