You say you know what you like. But what if your preferences are doing more than selecting? A closer look at what your attraction patterns might be defending.
Entire friendships can end over things like this.And have.
It has always been a somewhat alien conversation for me because I’ve always just basically been attracted to people who felt safe. People become attractive when you start to know them (for me). And I know how to trace that to my own fears and issues.
So your article was particularly fascinating for me and helping me understand what’s beneath attraction for some people. ☺️
I think a lot of people miss how much attraction can be shaped by safety, history, and what the body learned early. Glad it gave you a clearer way into something that can feel very strange from the outside. ☺️
Fascinating reading as always! I truly enjoy being introduced to such concepts and really appreciate the comments! Coming so late to some of the ideas shared here I can only personally relate in memories, but I’m ever so grateful to have the knowledge.
It really is, Matthias, and a lot of people would rather protect the pattern than look at what it’s doing. Seeing it up close changes how impossible it is to ignore.
Love these observations. We all think we have types (or interests or habits...)but wouldn't it be more interesting in life to branch out? It's tough when we think we only like what we like. There's a line from an Aimee Mann song, That's Just What You Are, which comes to mind:
"I won't fall for the oldest trick in the book
So don't sit there and think you're off of the hook
Exactly, Dan. A fixed story about yourself can become a very efficient way to avoid seeing yourself. That line works because it refuses to treat familiarity as truth.
I'm a gay man who's attracted to men older than me, mostly American or European.
Every time when I feel that attraction and the afterthought, "Why do you think that is?" comes, I shrug it off. I do the exact same things listed in this letter.
I know I need to sit on it. But with all the other problems that are actually "real," this one just gets pushed to the back of the line—not to mention that I don't feel like I can date unless I secure some independence.
And yes, I jump to my attraction's defense if I question it. That pretty much explains that I have to.
I hope that I get more clarity on this so that I don't work against myself.
That kind of pattern usually sticks around because it’s doing something useful for you right now, even if you haven’t named it yet. You don’t need to force clarity, just notice what those men represent to you and where that shows up elsewhere.
Entire friendships can end over things like this.And have.
It has always been a somewhat alien conversation for me because I’ve always just basically been attracted to people who felt safe. People become attractive when you start to know them (for me). And I know how to trace that to my own fears and issues.
So your article was particularly fascinating for me and helping me understand what’s beneath attraction for some people. ☺️
I think a lot of people miss how much attraction can be shaped by safety, history, and what the body learned early. Glad it gave you a clearer way into something that can feel very strange from the outside. ☺️
Fascinating reading as always! I truly enjoy being introduced to such concepts and really appreciate the comments! Coming so late to some of the ideas shared here I can only personally relate in memories, but I’m ever so grateful to have the knowledge.
I’m glad it still feels useful, even in retrospect. Sometimes understanding arrives late, and it still changes the way you hold your own story. x
huge topic, especially for the queer community. something I have witnessed myself a couple of times.
It really is, Matthias, and a lot of people would rather protect the pattern than look at what it’s doing. Seeing it up close changes how impossible it is to ignore.
Love these observations. We all think we have types (or interests or habits...)but wouldn't it be more interesting in life to branch out? It's tough when we think we only like what we like. There's a line from an Aimee Mann song, That's Just What You Are, which comes to mind:
"I won't fall for the oldest trick in the book
So don't sit there and think you're off of the hook
By saying there is no use changing
'Cause that's just what you are"
Exactly, Dan. A fixed story about yourself can become a very efficient way to avoid seeing yourself. That line works because it refuses to treat familiarity as truth.
Your explanations are clear and right on. Thanks, Gino. fondly Michael.
Thank you, Michael. I appreciate your kind words.
I'm a gay man who's attracted to men older than me, mostly American or European.
Every time when I feel that attraction and the afterthought, "Why do you think that is?" comes, I shrug it off. I do the exact same things listed in this letter.
I know I need to sit on it. But with all the other problems that are actually "real," this one just gets pushed to the back of the line—not to mention that I don't feel like I can date unless I secure some independence.
And yes, I jump to my attraction's defense if I question it. That pretty much explains that I have to.
I hope that I get more clarity on this so that I don't work against myself.
Thanks for this, Gino.
That kind of pattern usually sticks around because it’s doing something useful for you right now, even if you haven’t named it yet. You don’t need to force clarity, just notice what those men represent to you and where that shows up elsewhere.