Thanks Gino. This was a great summation of this topic. Often, a good match is someone who has some opposite, but admirable, character traits. Few people want a relationship with a clone. This goes wrong because, initially, we strive for compatibility - sameness. We want 'to get along'. Both people tone down their personality to 'match' the other. Thus, no sparks - even tho there would be - if both people would be themselves. The trick? To become the best, honest version of who we are. Maybe we aren't there yet - and maybe not ready for a relationship.
Thank you. Your point about both people toning themselves down is a good one. A lot of early dating is two men presenting an agreeable, low-friction version of themselves and then wondering why there’s no chemistry.
As for readiness, I think waiting until we’re the best version of ourselves can become its own delay tactic. Most of us learn who we are inside relationships rather than before them.
Yeah, Gino, you’re right about readiness. No one ever becomes the best version of themselves - it’s a never-ending journey - and much of the journey is inside relationships. I should’ve said that if a man can’t bring a (mostly) honest version of himself to a relationship, he needs to fix that first - before messing with an innocent other human.
My mom would pick fights with my stepdad. They were often grouchy with each other and fight all the time, sometimes over dumb stuff.
When my husband and I were together in the first couple of years, I really had to ‘check myself’ / retrain from that learned behavior. Thankfully, I was successful.
That's not a small thing to catch in yourself, especially early on when it just feels like how relationships go. Good on you for spotting it when you did.
I grew up in such a house—the one with stupid fights about nothing, walking out in arguments, too much attention but too little safety, and so on. No wonder that still affects me.
I believe that mistaking dopamine for depth is also something the media teaches us. What we consume creates our beliefs—and it takes a lifetime to unlearn the wrong, first beliefs that we internalized.
“Too much attention but too little safety” is a good way to put it. Those two things get confused easily when you’re young, and the confusion tends to follow you into adulthood.
Agreed on the media point, though I’d say it works more as reinforcement than origin. The films and songs give a shape and a vocabulary to something already learned at home, which is partly why it feels so true when you see it on screen.
Thanks Gino. This was a great summation of this topic. Often, a good match is someone who has some opposite, but admirable, character traits. Few people want a relationship with a clone. This goes wrong because, initially, we strive for compatibility - sameness. We want 'to get along'. Both people tone down their personality to 'match' the other. Thus, no sparks - even tho there would be - if both people would be themselves. The trick? To become the best, honest version of who we are. Maybe we aren't there yet - and maybe not ready for a relationship.
Thank you. Your point about both people toning themselves down is a good one. A lot of early dating is two men presenting an agreeable, low-friction version of themselves and then wondering why there’s no chemistry.
As for readiness, I think waiting until we’re the best version of ourselves can become its own delay tactic. Most of us learn who we are inside relationships rather than before them.
Yeah, Gino, you’re right about readiness. No one ever becomes the best version of themselves - it’s a never-ending journey - and much of the journey is inside relationships. I should’ve said that if a man can’t bring a (mostly) honest version of himself to a relationship, he needs to fix that first - before messing with an innocent other human.
My mom would pick fights with my stepdad. They were often grouchy with each other and fight all the time, sometimes over dumb stuff.
When my husband and I were together in the first couple of years, I really had to ‘check myself’ / retrain from that learned behavior. Thankfully, I was successful.
That's not a small thing to catch in yourself, especially early on when it just feels like how relationships go. Good on you for spotting it when you did.
I can thankfully and proudly say we’ve never had a disagreement in which voices were raised, during these last 20 years.
I grew up in such a house—the one with stupid fights about nothing, walking out in arguments, too much attention but too little safety, and so on. No wonder that still affects me.
I believe that mistaking dopamine for depth is also something the media teaches us. What we consume creates our beliefs—and it takes a lifetime to unlearn the wrong, first beliefs that we internalized.
“Too much attention but too little safety” is a good way to put it. Those two things get confused easily when you’re young, and the confusion tends to follow you into adulthood.
Agreed on the media point, though I’d say it works more as reinforcement than origin. The films and songs give a shape and a vocabulary to something already learned at home, which is partly why it feels so true when you see it on screen.
Perfectly put.