A mentor of mine once told me that if I wanted to have relationships with people, I needed to do four things:
1. Show up.
2. Be on time.
3. Pay attention.
4. Don't be tied to the outcome.
I've been sharing this with my clients for years, and #4 is still the most challenging, for them and for me. Learning how to form and have relationships really has been a lifelong marathon-- but I'm finding the payoff to be well worth it as i age.
I do way too much alone. My best friends are far away and I treasure the times we spend. We have fun. But locally? I'm not so good. I once bought two tickets for a concert at the Met Philadelphia for an event a year in advance. Thought I could ask someone, right? Went by myself. (Maybe for the best. The headliner was way too loud and used annoying lighting effects. I left very early!)
I ate lunch alone in high school a lot. I was part of the high school acting troop and I would just go backstage to have my lunch.
My therapist and I have talked about isolation not only coming from safety, but from the "tax on capacity. "
In short, not fitting into a community the demands, not asks, demands behaviors, characteristics, attitudes… that you simply don't share or like. And knowing that a lot of of the people in our community have different values and they are not going to understand mine.
Why would I wanna be part of a community that is so overrun with shaming each other?
Being kind, being generous, being real, being thoughtful, these things take a backseat to body identity and performative behaviors in our community.
I am a very gregarious person by nature, but I'm also a very genuine person, WYSIWYG, and I just can't fake it to make it.
I don't have very many gay friends because of the real epidemic in our community, lack of authenticity.
I also related to just the general sense of what you were talking about -- safety first. I no longer lead with it, but it's a tool in the toolbox, for sure.
A mentor of mine once told me that if I wanted to have relationships with people, I needed to do four things:
1. Show up.
2. Be on time.
3. Pay attention.
4. Don't be tied to the outcome.
I've been sharing this with my clients for years, and #4 is still the most challenging, for them and for me. Learning how to form and have relationships really has been a lifelong marathon-- but I'm finding the payoff to be well worth it as i age.
I do way too much alone. My best friends are far away and I treasure the times we spend. We have fun. But locally? I'm not so good. I once bought two tickets for a concert at the Met Philadelphia for an event a year in advance. Thought I could ask someone, right? Went by myself. (Maybe for the best. The headliner was way too loud and used annoying lighting effects. I left very early!)
I ate lunch alone in high school a lot. I was part of the high school acting troop and I would just go backstage to have my lunch.
My therapist and I have talked about isolation not only coming from safety, but from the "tax on capacity. "
In short, not fitting into a community the demands, not asks, demands behaviors, characteristics, attitudes… that you simply don't share or like. And knowing that a lot of of the people in our community have different values and they are not going to understand mine.
Why would I wanna be part of a community that is so overrun with shaming each other?
Being kind, being generous, being real, being thoughtful, these things take a backseat to body identity and performative behaviors in our community.
I am a very gregarious person by nature, but I'm also a very genuine person, WYSIWYG, and I just can't fake it to make it.
I don't have very many gay friends because of the real epidemic in our community, lack of authenticity.
I also related to just the general sense of what you were talking about -- safety first. I no longer lead with it, but it's a tool in the toolbox, for sure.