Sideways vs directly. So clearly stated. Being in a conversion program vs living life and experiencing conversion messges how often? You bring such clarity (and love) with your words and that means a lot to me, a person who is wide (81 years old wise), consideres myself well adjusted, am OK if not grateful to be gay. But you help to uncover things that affect me in ways I didn't realize. Gino, Thanks you so much for your clarity, intelligence, love. Thank you for being you! Fondly, Michael
Michael, this means a great deal. Some of the deepest conditioning never arrived as doctrine, it arrived as atmosphere, which is exactly why it can stay hidden for decades. I am grateful you’re still letting new layers come into view at 81, which honestly puts a lot of younger men to shame in the best way.
The silence you describe does more shaping than most people realize because nothing is ever said out loud, so there’s nothing to push against. It just settles in as truth and stays there until something like this names it.
I have never thought about it this way, always only in the "traditional" sense of conversion therapy in which you are sent away to one of these horrible camps for weeks and return "changed". Expanding the definition is an important adjustment, thank you for that.
Most people only see the extreme version. The quieter version slips in through everyday life and stays because it never gets named, which makes it harder to challenge.
Can we talk about the term same sex attraction? I think it should be called same gender attraction. I think sex is what gets in the way and damages things. I grew up believing being gay was gross, wrong in every way. I called people faggots when I was angry. I turned my back on a friend who came out to me believing she must have been secretly attracted to me and that disgusted and repulsed me. But the worst part about all of this, is I have no idea where I learned that crap. Things really changed for me after watching a beautiful gentleman on the great British baking show. He was a stay at home dad and he and his male partner were raising a family together. You know what I saw? I saw me. I saw that we were no different except that his partner was male instead of female and I saw that it was emotional. Then I saw another very male, masculine non cliche gay couple in another reality show. Their relationship inspired me because again I saw myself, I saw my husband and I in male and male form. I don’t know why this happens these different attractions but it is not about sex, it is about who you are emotionally attracted to, physical too but primarily emotional. There are sexual pigs on both sides, both gay and straight, I abhor that kind of lifestyle, but I cannot deny the love and respect I see exemplified in many gay couples, including my own child.
Language shapes how people understand themselves, so that distinction matters more than it seems at first. What you’re describing tracks because once you saw relationships instead of stereotypes, the whole thing moved from abstract fear into something human and recognizable.
Also worth noting, those early reactions don’t come out of nowhere. They’re usually absorbed quietly from culture, tone, jokes, what gets praised, and what gets shut down, so people carry them long before they examine them.
There’s something solid in the way you describe attraction here, grounded in recognition, respect, and emotional pull, which is exactly what cuts through the noise people were taught to focus on.
Just too much information to absorb all at once! For me, this is going to require re reading, more reading and a healthy portion of self reflection. My initial response was “I surrendered my sexuality years ago. Being gay has become just a label mostly used by others to try and define me.” Now, can I find the energy to examine and explore all this?! *big sigh*
Your reaction makes sense, Clark, because this isn’t light material. The piece asks you to look at patterns that have been running quietly for years. Take it in small pieces and let it land where it needs to. There’s no benefit in forcing insight faster than you can actually absorb it. ☺️
That mix of silence and small digs does real damage because it keeps the message running without ever being named. Letting go of the need for their acceptance is a hard shift, and choosing not to turn that cruelty inward anymore is where things actually start to change. You should be very proud of yourself.
Sideways vs directly. So clearly stated. Being in a conversion program vs living life and experiencing conversion messges how often? You bring such clarity (and love) with your words and that means a lot to me, a person who is wide (81 years old wise), consideres myself well adjusted, am OK if not grateful to be gay. But you help to uncover things that affect me in ways I didn't realize. Gino, Thanks you so much for your clarity, intelligence, love. Thank you for being you! Fondly, Michael
Michael, this means a great deal. Some of the deepest conditioning never arrived as doctrine, it arrived as atmosphere, which is exactly why it can stay hidden for decades. I am grateful you’re still letting new layers come into view at 81, which honestly puts a lot of younger men to shame in the best way.
The damaging silence at home and in non-traditional conversion settings—this resonates. Thank you for this wonderful much needed article.
The silence you describe does more shaping than most people realize because nothing is ever said out loud, so there’s nothing to push against. It just settles in as truth and stays there until something like this names it.
I have never thought about it this way, always only in the "traditional" sense of conversion therapy in which you are sent away to one of these horrible camps for weeks and return "changed". Expanding the definition is an important adjustment, thank you for that.
Most people only see the extreme version. The quieter version slips in through everyday life and stays because it never gets named, which makes it harder to challenge.
Can we talk about the term same sex attraction? I think it should be called same gender attraction. I think sex is what gets in the way and damages things. I grew up believing being gay was gross, wrong in every way. I called people faggots when I was angry. I turned my back on a friend who came out to me believing she must have been secretly attracted to me and that disgusted and repulsed me. But the worst part about all of this, is I have no idea where I learned that crap. Things really changed for me after watching a beautiful gentleman on the great British baking show. He was a stay at home dad and he and his male partner were raising a family together. You know what I saw? I saw me. I saw that we were no different except that his partner was male instead of female and I saw that it was emotional. Then I saw another very male, masculine non cliche gay couple in another reality show. Their relationship inspired me because again I saw myself, I saw my husband and I in male and male form. I don’t know why this happens these different attractions but it is not about sex, it is about who you are emotionally attracted to, physical too but primarily emotional. There are sexual pigs on both sides, both gay and straight, I abhor that kind of lifestyle, but I cannot deny the love and respect I see exemplified in many gay couples, including my own child.
Language shapes how people understand themselves, so that distinction matters more than it seems at first. What you’re describing tracks because once you saw relationships instead of stereotypes, the whole thing moved from abstract fear into something human and recognizable.
Also worth noting, those early reactions don’t come out of nowhere. They’re usually absorbed quietly from culture, tone, jokes, what gets praised, and what gets shut down, so people carry them long before they examine them.
There’s something solid in the way you describe attraction here, grounded in recognition, respect, and emotional pull, which is exactly what cuts through the noise people were taught to focus on.
Just too much information to absorb all at once! For me, this is going to require re reading, more reading and a healthy portion of self reflection. My initial response was “I surrendered my sexuality years ago. Being gay has become just a label mostly used by others to try and define me.” Now, can I find the energy to examine and explore all this?! *big sigh*
Your reaction makes sense, Clark, because this isn’t light material. The piece asks you to look at patterns that have been running quietly for years. Take it in small pieces and let it land where it needs to. There’s no benefit in forcing insight faster than you can actually absorb it. ☺️
It's the shame and the silence, the shrugs and the snarky comments, using the word "gay" as a slur—it's all of these that wrecked me.
I don't think my parents would ever come to a place to talk about my sexuality freely.
But I'm over it. I have stopped expecting any kind of acceptance from them, from other people.
It took years to finally realize that the only person who can't afford to be cruel to me is me.
Thanks for this, G.
That mix of silence and small digs does real damage because it keeps the message running without ever being named. Letting go of the need for their acceptance is a hard shift, and choosing not to turn that cruelty inward anymore is where things actually start to change. You should be very proud of yourself.