This article is making me wonder what I want vs what I value. Not just what people want from, or value in me. Most of my life I wasn't allowed to want what I wanted and was required to value things that I no longer see the need for.
OMG. I feel like Prince Henry (RWRB) when he talked about not being interested in the people he dated and not being able to have the people he valued.
Many of us spend years organising our lives around what felt permitted, and it takes time to notice what we actually want when nobody else is deciding for us. And yes, sometimes a fictional character ends up putting words to something you’ve been carrying for years. 😃
It’s difficult to get out of the spiral of validation. It takes a lot of self-development as to your own worth, I’ve been there plenty. And it’s a continuous journey. Totally agree too, that noticing the ‘smaller’ or the more ‘mundane’ as acts of love is the evidence that you’re progressing.
Thank you, Ant. You're right that the pull of validation doesn’t vanish immediately, but it gradually diminishes as your self-worth becomes less reliant on others' reactions. Eventually, you start trusting the quieter signs of being valued. IMO, they last far longer than the rush of being wanted. ☺️
Before I adopted my son back in the early 2000s, I was out many times a week looking for validation. Once my son was placed with me, that activity stopped, but the need was still there. The desire to feel wanted and desired did not go away. It took time to adjust. I think taking care of my son and focusing on him gave me the ability to see love differently. So when I met my husband about a year later, I was able to see and appreciate him much more because I was not just using sex as a tool for feeling whole. It wasn't until I met him that I saw what I'd actually been chasing.
It sounds like becoming a father provided you with a new way to feel needed and connected, which changed your understanding of love. When your husband arrived, you could see him for who he truly was rather than what you needed him to show or confirm. I’m very happy for you ☺️
This article is making me wonder what I want vs what I value. Not just what people want from, or value in me. Most of my life I wasn't allowed to want what I wanted and was required to value things that I no longer see the need for.
OMG. I feel like Prince Henry (RWRB) when he talked about not being interested in the people he dated and not being able to have the people he valued.
Many of us spend years organising our lives around what felt permitted, and it takes time to notice what we actually want when nobody else is deciding for us. And yes, sometimes a fictional character ends up putting words to something you’ve been carrying for years. 😃
It’s difficult to get out of the spiral of validation. It takes a lot of self-development as to your own worth, I’ve been there plenty. And it’s a continuous journey. Totally agree too, that noticing the ‘smaller’ or the more ‘mundane’ as acts of love is the evidence that you’re progressing.
Great read, Gino!
Thank you, Ant. You're right that the pull of validation doesn’t vanish immediately, but it gradually diminishes as your self-worth becomes less reliant on others' reactions. Eventually, you start trusting the quieter signs of being valued. IMO, they last far longer than the rush of being wanted. ☺️
Before I adopted my son back in the early 2000s, I was out many times a week looking for validation. Once my son was placed with me, that activity stopped, but the need was still there. The desire to feel wanted and desired did not go away. It took time to adjust. I think taking care of my son and focusing on him gave me the ability to see love differently. So when I met my husband about a year later, I was able to see and appreciate him much more because I was not just using sex as a tool for feeling whole. It wasn't until I met him that I saw what I'd actually been chasing.
It sounds like becoming a father provided you with a new way to feel needed and connected, which changed your understanding of love. When your husband arrived, you could see him for who he truly was rather than what you needed him to show or confirm. I’m very happy for you ☺️
🙌
Very you don’t expect anything. Use, enjoy, move on.