There's a Better Way to be Yourself
A fresh perspective on authenticity that honors both your truth and your boundaries.
Some days, being “out” doesn’t feel brave. It feels like exposure. Other times, we say nothing and feel like we’ve betrayed ourselves.
What if we reframed that tension entirely?
Code-Switching Isn’t Always a Sign of Shame
Let’s start here: Many queer people I’ve worked with navigates authenticity as a negotiation, not a fixed trait.
That doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re adaptive. It means you’ve survived.
Whether it’s softening your voice, avoiding gendered language, laughing off a microaggression, or skipping the “partner” mention at work, these aren’t failures. They’re strategic choices. Sometimes made out of fear. Sometimes out of fatigue. Sometimes just because you didn’t want to fucking explain yourself again.
But the trouble comes when we feel like we’re never the same version of ourselves twice. That whiplash between full expression and full suppression can wear on your sense of self.
So today, I want to offer you a tool: The Authenticity Spectrum.
What Is the Authenticity Spectrum?
Think of it as a sliding scale – a visual, practical way to locate where you currently stand in terms of how much of your real self you’re showing in different settings.
At one end, you have:
100% Fully Authentic: “I’m me. Unfiltered. I don’t code-switch. I don’t shrink. I don’t explain.”
At the other:
0% Fully Protected: “I keep my queerness (and maybe my softness, my sass, my vulnerability) under wraps.”
Most of us live somewhere in between and it changes depending on who we’re with.
You might be:
90% authentic with your chosen family
30% with your boss
10% with your mother
70% on your Instagram
50% on your dating profile
This isn’t about judging where you fall. It’s about understanding it so you can make conscious decisions rather than reacting from fear or habit.
Why This Matters
Queer authenticity isn’t binary. You’re not either “in the closet” or “fully out.” That’s a dated lens.
The modern queer experience is a continuum. And the mental health consequences of living too long at either extreme are real.
Living at 100% in unsafe spaces can lead to burnout, retraumatization, or even violence.
Living at 0% in affirming spaces can reinforce shame, isolation, and dissociation from your own needs.
But when we start seeing authenticity as a dial we control, we reclaim power.
You get to ask:
How much of me do I want to bring into this space — without abandoning myself or putting myself at risk?
How to Use This Tool
Below is a simple set of self-inquiry prompts. No “right” answers. Just truth.