Why Some LGBTQ+ People Radiate Confidence (While Others Don't)
For every LGBTQ+ person who's wondered if they're enough — and what I've learned about real confidence
Last week, I saw someone in their mid-40s walk into a coffee shop.
Nothing about their appearance stood out, but somehow, their presence filled the room.
They carried themselves with an ease that made most people, including me, pay attention.
It wasn't their style or clothes.
It was something else.
As an online gay therapist, I've always been interested in understanding what contributes to this kind of confidence.
The answer isn't what you might expect.
The most confident LGBTQ+ people I meet rarely fit the Instagram-perfect mold we're sold.
Let me pause for a moment and be honest: I became interested in this topic early in my career because I struggled with self-esteem and confidence.
Growing up queer in a Portuguese family, I mastered the art of "performed confidence," which looks good on the outside but feels empty inside.
It took years of therapy and self-reflection to understand the difference between authentic confidence and its shallow counterpart.
I'm not the only one who went through this.
Many LGBTQ+ people (and allies who face similar struggles) grapple with this distinction.
The Confidence Divide: What We Misunderstand
I see it in my practice every day: two types of confidence that are completely different.
The first kind — what I call "Instagram confidence" — is what our community (and beyond) pursues.
You know the type. People sharing perfectly curated photos, reels of their glamorous lives, and content that shouts, "I'm thriving!"
While many of these individuals are confident, I can say that I have never met an LGBTQ+ person in therapy who lived the Instagram-perfect life and didn't struggle with low confidence.
But there's another kind of confidence that's not discussed much.
I first noticed it in Alex*, a client who faced challenges with anxiety. They didn't fit conventional beauty standards, didn't have the most impressive job, and weren't a social media influencer.
Yet something about them was magnetic.
In our sessions, I realized their confidence came from a deeper place of self-acceptance. This kind of confidence does not need external validation to thrive.
But, the trap of "performed confidence" is that it works... for a limited time. Trust me, I know.
Each like, compliment, and successful date gives you a boost of validation. These experiences often trigger dopamine release, creating a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction.
But it's like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. You have to keep pouring more and more just to stay afloat.
What Creates Lasting Confidence
Through hundreds of therapy sessions and my own journey, I've noticed three key differences between those with genuine confidence and those still seeking it:
They've Broken Free from the Validation Loop: The most confident people I know have stopped asking, "What will they think?" Instead, they ask, "What do I think?" They still care about others' opinions, but their self-worth isn't reliant on external approval.
They're Comfortable with Vulnerability: This surprised me at first. The most confident people often admit their struggles. A client, a successful executive, regularly shares their coming out journey with younger LGBTQ+ colleagues. "My confidence comes from owning my story," they told me once, "not hiding it."
They View Other LGBTQ+ People as Allies, Not Competition: Remember the person in the coffee shop? I later learned that they run a mentoring program for LGBTQ+ youth. The most confident people I know consistently support others instead of seeing them as threats.
Why Most of Us Get Stuck
Let's address the issue at hand: trauma. Not the dramatic kind, but the slow-burning kind from growing up LGBTQ+ in a heteronormative, cisgender world.
I remember policing my behavior, monitoring my voice, and constantly fearing being "found out." These experiences, during what psychologists call formative years, left their mark in the form of internalized homophobia.
Add the pressure to conform, expectations about gender expression, and often navigating religious beliefs, and you have a situation that fosters deep-seated insecurity.
Fast forward to today, and our earlier experiences are intensified by modern pressures:
Dating and hookup apps that reduce us to profiles and preferences
Social media that promotes ongoing comparison
Community standards that often seem unachievable
These situations create what therapists call "adaptive behaviors," or coping mechanisms that once protected us but now hinder us. We become skilled at reading rooms, managing impressions, and maintaining facades.
The irony? These skills that keep us safe can prevent us from developing authentic confidence. I regularly see these wounds in my practice.
But here's what gives me hope: Clients who explore the root cause of their low self-confidence develop confidence over time.
They start to understand their experiences in a new way.
Building Real Confidence
After more than a decade of counseling LGBTQ+ individuals, I've noticed a pattern: authentic confidence isn't what most people believe it to be.
Here's a 4-step framework I share:
Redefine Success on Your Terms: Ask yourself: "If no one could see my life, what would make me proud?" After years of pursuing status and appearances, one of my clients realized their true definition of success was building meaningful relationships and creating art. The change in their confidence was remarkable.
Practice Radical Self-Acceptance: Two months ago, I found an old photo from my "trying to fit in" days. Instead of the usual self-criticism, I paused and remembered that person struggling with identity and self-worth. Before, I'd let that picture influence my mood. Now I know that self-acceptance isn't about loving every part of yourself but acknowledging your whole self without judgment. I still struggle with insecurities, but now these thoughts are passengers, not those in control.
Build Real Connections: In 2020, before the COVID lockdown, I left my "picture-perfect" friend group. They seemed ideal: successful, attractive, and well-connected. But every meetup felt like an audition. Now, my circle is smaller but authentic. These are people who've seen me cry over the loss of my dogs or a family member and still text me memes at 3 AM. That's the connection that builds genuine confidence.
Develop Emotional Intelligence: Many LGBTQ+ people raised in restrictive environments struggle with emotions. They quickly identify common emotions (anxiety, loneliness, anger) but avoid them. Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings instead of fleeing. When someone rejects you, you don't get the job, or you feel left out, these are chances to build confidence. The emotions you feel are healthy and normal. What you do with them matters.
Self-compassion is central to all four of these practices.
In other words, treat yourself with kindness!
Moving Forward
Therapy and life have taught me that confidence isn't about eliminating doubt but making peace with it and realizing that we're all human.
Last week, I struggled through a meeting that I should have nailed.
Ten years ago, that would have triggered intense shame about not being "perfect enough."
That same day, I ordered an iced tea, called a close friend to laugh about it, and returned to work. For me, that's what true confidence looks like in action.
The most authentic LGBTQ+ people I know still have uncertain moments.
The difference?
They've learned to say, "Yeah, I'm scared. But I'll do it anyway."
I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. How do you feel about confidence? Have you met someone with genuine confidence? What did you learn from them?
Share your story in the comments. Let's create a community of genuine conversations about true confidence.
* Any names or identifiable descriptions of people have been altered to maintain confidentiality.
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Just shared with my LGBTQIA teens. Thank you