Gino, For pieces like this one, clicking ♥️ does not apply. Better 🥲. I think that most people do not realize that LGBTQIA+ people experience the same love but also the same anxieties, fears, and dangers that anyone might experience. Thanks for bring this awareness to the front. Fondly, Michael
I think you’re right. There is still an assumption that abuse within LGBTQIA+ relationships somehow looks different or carries less risk. The dynamics can be shaped by our specific experiences, but gay men can experience the same control, fear and violence as anyone else.
Thank you for reading and for saying this so thoughtfully.
I had never personally been scared like this in a relationship, and reading this makes me realize just how blessed I was to have spent 22 years in a great relationship.
What struck me most about this piece is that abuse does not always begin with a punch. Sometimes it begins with control. Slowly changing who someone sees, what they do, where they go, and eventually who they are.
From the outside, everything can look perfectly normal.
The line that really stayed with me was essentially this: before telling someone to “just leave,” ask whether they can leave safely.
I had never thought about leaving an abusive relationship as potentially being the most dangerous moment. That changed my perspective.
As gay men, many of us grew up learning how to hide things, absorb things and keep moving. Maybe that is also why some men have such a difficult time saying, “I am being abused.”
Men can be victims. Strong men can be victims. Successful men can be victims. Gay men can be victims. There should be absolutely no shame attached to saying, “I need help.”
I was fortunate. I knew what it was like to spend 22 years with someone I loved without ever fearing that person. Reading this makes me appreciate that gift even more.
Thank you, Gino, for writing about something that probably happens behind far more closed doors than any of us realize. And especially for reminding us that sometimes helping someone does not begin with advice.
Sometimes it simply begins with asking, “Are you safe?”
Thank you. I think you have captured something important here: feeling safe with the person you love is easy to take for granted when you have known it for 22 years. Actually , it’s a gift.
And yes, control often arrives quietly enough that neither the person living with it nor the people around them immediately recognise what is happening. By the time violence appears, a great deal may already have been lost.
That just broke my heart into a billion pieces. One, I can’t believe domestic abuse of any kind is still happening in this day and age.
Two, in LGBTQ-friendly countries in the West, one would expect to be treated the same way as a straight couple when you‘re gay—especially when you‘re a victim of violence. Is that really too much to ask?
Three, you made an incredibly valid point as to what not to say to a guy in an abusive relationship, and I feel that it deserves a whole newsletter of its own. You can‘t ask someone to „just get out“ when they‘re in mortal danger.
It‘s because of things like that these that I wanna specialize in trauma down the line in my career. I really wanna be able to help people get out of such dark places. No one deserves to live in fear (except maybe for the abusers).
Thanks, Karthik. Trauma work is worth doing. The men you'll meet will mostly need someone who can sit with them while they work out their own timing. You already seem to understand that part. ☺️
This was well written, Gino. I had no idea the stats are so high. Clearly, this issue isn’t communicated enough.
Reading this made me nauseous. My father was extremely abusive. It started with preventing my mother’s family visiting. When my mother divorced him, his reaction was to kidnap me. It was before parental kidnapping was explicitly illegal. I was ‘missing’ for a few months, was a toddler and so perhaps thankfully don’t remember much.
Thank you for trusting the comments section with that. What happened to you is exactly the pattern: control first, then when someone leaves, escalation. Your mother's story proves separation assault ignores gender and sexuality. Statistics like that hide in many a family photo album.
Gino, For pieces like this one, clicking ♥️ does not apply. Better 🥲. I think that most people do not realize that LGBTQIA+ people experience the same love but also the same anxieties, fears, and dangers that anyone might experience. Thanks for bring this awareness to the front. Fondly, Michael
I think you’re right. There is still an assumption that abuse within LGBTQIA+ relationships somehow looks different or carries less risk. The dynamics can be shaped by our specific experiences, but gay men can experience the same control, fear and violence as anyone else.
Thank you for reading and for saying this so thoughtfully.
I had never personally been scared like this in a relationship, and reading this makes me realize just how blessed I was to have spent 22 years in a great relationship.
What struck me most about this piece is that abuse does not always begin with a punch. Sometimes it begins with control. Slowly changing who someone sees, what they do, where they go, and eventually who they are.
From the outside, everything can look perfectly normal.
The line that really stayed with me was essentially this: before telling someone to “just leave,” ask whether they can leave safely.
I had never thought about leaving an abusive relationship as potentially being the most dangerous moment. That changed my perspective.
As gay men, many of us grew up learning how to hide things, absorb things and keep moving. Maybe that is also why some men have such a difficult time saying, “I am being abused.”
Men can be victims. Strong men can be victims. Successful men can be victims. Gay men can be victims. There should be absolutely no shame attached to saying, “I need help.”
I was fortunate. I knew what it was like to spend 22 years with someone I loved without ever fearing that person. Reading this makes me appreciate that gift even more.
Thank you, Gino, for writing about something that probably happens behind far more closed doors than any of us realize. And especially for reminding us that sometimes helping someone does not begin with advice.
Sometimes it simply begins with asking, “Are you safe?”
Thank you. I think you have captured something important here: feeling safe with the person you love is easy to take for granted when you have known it for 22 years. Actually , it’s a gift.
And yes, control often arrives quietly enough that neither the person living with it nor the people around them immediately recognise what is happening. By the time violence appears, a great deal may already have been lost.
Thank you for reading it so thoughtfully.
That just broke my heart into a billion pieces. One, I can’t believe domestic abuse of any kind is still happening in this day and age.
Two, in LGBTQ-friendly countries in the West, one would expect to be treated the same way as a straight couple when you‘re gay—especially when you‘re a victim of violence. Is that really too much to ask?
Three, you made an incredibly valid point as to what not to say to a guy in an abusive relationship, and I feel that it deserves a whole newsletter of its own. You can‘t ask someone to „just get out“ when they‘re in mortal danger.
It‘s because of things like that these that I wanna specialize in trauma down the line in my career. I really wanna be able to help people get out of such dark places. No one deserves to live in fear (except maybe for the abusers).
Thank you, Gino. 🩷
Thanks, Karthik. Trauma work is worth doing. The men you'll meet will mostly need someone who can sit with them while they work out their own timing. You already seem to understand that part. ☺️
This was well written, Gino. I had no idea the stats are so high. Clearly, this issue isn’t communicated enough.
Reading this made me nauseous. My father was extremely abusive. It started with preventing my mother’s family visiting. When my mother divorced him, his reaction was to kidnap me. It was before parental kidnapping was explicitly illegal. I was ‘missing’ for a few months, was a toddler and so perhaps thankfully don’t remember much.
Thank you for trusting the comments section with that. What happened to you is exactly the pattern: control first, then when someone leaves, escalation. Your mother's story proves separation assault ignores gender and sexuality. Statistics like that hide in many a family photo album.