The depth of sadness I feel about this is hard to express.
I don’t think I ever looked deep enough at why, as a gay man, I felt repelled by the gay male community. As someone on the HSP spectrum, I recognized it on other levels and knew that I could not live in that community.
I don’t think the name of your newsletter has ever felt more appropriate.
I really feel that, Leo. A lot of us didn’t reject the community. We just couldn’t find safety in it. It hurts to see that clearly, but it’s also where real healing starts 💙
I learned to find empathy, depth and genuine friendship outside the gay community (which I think is a bit of an optimistic misnomer anyway). The friends I'm closest to, who've been my friends for decades, through good times and bad, are heterosexual women. Now in my sixth decade and happily married to a man, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many gay male friends I have.
That makes complete sense. Many of the kindest, most grounded friendships gay men find are outside the community’s “performance” loop. Real connection doesn’t care about labels; it just wants honesty.
What a great post. The line “We built community on shared trauma instead of shared healing. Then wonder why it cut”…uffff that hit deep. Have been in these relationships many times before. Thanks for finding the words for how some of us have been working through Gino. Good stuff
That line comes from seeing so many of us confuse survival for connection. It’s hard to outgrow what first kept us safe, but naming it is how the healing part begins.
I can't write down all the instances in this that are part of my daily life. The knot in the stomach. The guard that is always up. The constant wondering and doubt. mostly the isolation. and being left behind with no explanation.
I have followed M Scott Peck’s definition of love: “ The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” In my limited experience within the gay community this idea seems antithetical to many gay men. Gay men are much more likely to discuss physical attraction, just look at the commentary on Substack of a photo of a younger man with a huge penis.
I listen to friends at dinner complain about not being in a relationship. Some of these people think it is appropriate to be at a restaurant and on their Grindr while they’re with you, and you’re trying to have a conversation.
I taught Organizational Behavior, so I am aware of the fact, you’re not going to change the culture. I really could not see Scott’s definition of love being accepted by my friend’s group. The more I realize this, the further I drift away. I don’t want the culture to change me. When I mention Peck’s definition of love, most or all look at me as if I thought the Resurrection was going to occur tomorrow. I have gone on to first reassure a person that I am not interested in sex, I am interested in knowing you as a person. I am usually met with disbelief or some degrading wittiest comment. More and more I am drifting into friendships with people who are not gay. People who enjoy talking about ideas other than about people. I cannot help to believe that gay men can be their own worst enemies.
I hear you. It’s painful to crave depth in spaces that reward surface. Many gay men are still unlearning the ways we were taught to seek validation through desirability instead of genuine connection. Your clarity about what kind of love you value is grounding.
That’s such a painful truth. “Friendship” shouldn’t have to get treated like a consolation prize instead of its own kind of intimacy. Real connection shouldn’t need desire to validate it.
The depth of sadness I feel about this is hard to express.
I don’t think I ever looked deep enough at why, as a gay man, I felt repelled by the gay male community. As someone on the HSP spectrum, I recognized it on other levels and knew that I could not live in that community.
I don’t think the name of your newsletter has ever felt more appropriate.
I really feel that, Leo. A lot of us didn’t reject the community. We just couldn’t find safety in it. It hurts to see that clearly, but it’s also where real healing starts 💙
I learned to find empathy, depth and genuine friendship outside the gay community (which I think is a bit of an optimistic misnomer anyway). The friends I'm closest to, who've been my friends for decades, through good times and bad, are heterosexual women. Now in my sixth decade and happily married to a man, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many gay male friends I have.
That makes complete sense. Many of the kindest, most grounded friendships gay men find are outside the community’s “performance” loop. Real connection doesn’t care about labels; it just wants honesty.
What a great post. The line “We built community on shared trauma instead of shared healing. Then wonder why it cut”…uffff that hit deep. Have been in these relationships many times before. Thanks for finding the words for how some of us have been working through Gino. Good stuff
That line comes from seeing so many of us confuse survival for connection. It’s hard to outgrow what first kept us safe, but naming it is how the healing part begins.
I can't write down all the instances in this that are part of my daily life. The knot in the stomach. The guard that is always up. The constant wondering and doubt. mostly the isolation. and being left behind with no explanation.
I have followed M Scott Peck’s definition of love: “ The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” In my limited experience within the gay community this idea seems antithetical to many gay men. Gay men are much more likely to discuss physical attraction, just look at the commentary on Substack of a photo of a younger man with a huge penis.
I listen to friends at dinner complain about not being in a relationship. Some of these people think it is appropriate to be at a restaurant and on their Grindr while they’re with you, and you’re trying to have a conversation.
I taught Organizational Behavior, so I am aware of the fact, you’re not going to change the culture. I really could not see Scott’s definition of love being accepted by my friend’s group. The more I realize this, the further I drift away. I don’t want the culture to change me. When I mention Peck’s definition of love, most or all look at me as if I thought the Resurrection was going to occur tomorrow. I have gone on to first reassure a person that I am not interested in sex, I am interested in knowing you as a person. I am usually met with disbelief or some degrading wittiest comment. More and more I am drifting into friendships with people who are not gay. People who enjoy talking about ideas other than about people. I cannot help to believe that gay men can be their own worst enemies.
I hear you. It’s painful to crave depth in spaces that reward surface. Many gay men are still unlearning the ways we were taught to seek validation through desirability instead of genuine connection. Your clarity about what kind of love you value is grounding.
Feels like someone finally put language to what so many of us have lived without words for.
That’s such a painful truth. “Friendship” shouldn’t have to get treated like a consolation prize instead of its own kind of intimacy. Real connection shouldn’t need desire to validate it.