Excellent article. My husband and I have been together something like 44 years (don't have a firm start date as we started as what would now be called Friends With Benefits and then one day realized we were Accidentally in Love) and we joke we are So glad there was no Grindr when we were young. You had to get dressed and go out to cheat and after a day at work we were way too lazy. Then we turned 30 which was like an invisability cloak in Gay Clubland. The other thing about being old is we can read a book for hours without getting bored though my granddaughter gave me a funny look when I mentioned at dinner I hadn't checked my phone today.
That’s the kind of love story that makes me believe in the quiet magic of just showing up for each other, year after year. Forty-four years of accidental love sounds like the best kind, with no apps, no performance, just two people too lazy to leave. And honestly, being too absorbed in a book to check your phone might be the smartest act of resistance these days. Your granddaughter will understand someday. Maybe. :)
At one point when I was in Europe, I kept obsessively searching for guys to get with at midnight. I was tired. My body was begging me to sleep. But I didn't mind. I just kept going.
I remember taking a train to another city so that I'd have a better shot of getting action. At 01:30 AM. What followed that was not a pleasant experience.
My point is when you keep chasing obsessively for so long, your real world and the stage becomes a blur. And boring stability just gets unequivocally tossed from your equation.
The worst part is the cost you feel later. Believe me, you don't want to.
There’s something heartbreaking about how the chase can feel like purpose, like how exhaustion and emptiness get mistaken for aliveness. Many of us have been there, too: the 2 a.m. trains, the blur between desire and self-destruction, the way your body screams for rest but your brain insists this is what living feels like. The cost isn’t just the bad nights; it’s waking up one day and realizing you don’t even recognize the person who’s been running the show. Your honesty here matters. The stage always demands an encore, but the real work is learning to sit down.
This was profound & makes a lot of sense for anyone whose early life was spent brutally performing, and now lacks the perspective and maturity to handle a good, boring relationship. Maturity means developing core values. A partner who shares most of these is worth keeping, even if they are boring. Except for a lucky few, sex with your partner will eventually be boring - just like learning to drive was fun and commuting is not. Lifelong partnerships may not be exciting, because you can't and shouldn't control how the other person pursues their dreams. Instead, nurture these partnerships for their deep, quiet joy: loyal, supportive, in sickness and in health. My advice to people struggling with a good man who is also boring: lower your expectations, and raise up your core values.
Core values are the part you can build a life on, while chemistry is the weather. If “boring” means loyal, steady, kind, and you can be yourself without performing, that’s trading settling for finally getting off the rollercoaster. 😌
Indeed. As we get older, our ability to summon the energy to perform as someone other than ourselves will fade, so why not stop it right now? Ngl, It isn’t easy when we’re young to find partners of a similar non-performing viewpoint - so many people of tender age haven’t reached the same conclusion yet, and some may never get there. But just cuz it’s hard, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing.
That’s the hard truth, isn’t it. The exhaustion of performance is a tax we pay for approval, and the refund only comes when we stop chasing it. The right people will find you in the quiet, not the storm.
The chaos in my childhood was a brother with mental health problems, and a dad was emotionally absent and didn't understand any of us (until much later). As the middle, and gay, child, my job was to keep low, and navigate the chaos. I am only seeing in the last few years how I was constantly looking for validation, creating chaos with anonymous sex and drugs. Thank you for this article. It really hit me emotionally .
That “keep low and navigate” role is a difficult training ground because it teaches you that your needs are a problem and that chaos is where you feel most competent. Naming the validation loop and the ways you tried to feel something is a real shift, not a confession. I’m glad it landed, and I hope you keep choosing the quieter kind of relief.
If it hit that much, chances are you’ve been trained to treat calm like a setup. The weird part is learning that safe can feel unfamiliar before it feels good.
Thank you for writing this interesting text. It's refreshing to read about unusual problems in gay relationships, although I myself don't really believe that I will ever be able to have a relationship. I have autism which makes interactions with most people around me tiring and boring, I can't fit in any gay circle. Having sex is easy and still kinda exciting, but it leads to nothere. I had some quasi relationship situations during my lifetime but they didn't work for various reasons. I even gained a habit of trying to maintain a relationship with someone I don't really like because I was ashamed of not having any relationships. Oddly enough, I have very close friends, they are very important to me, so I can't say that I am completely alone.
I am taking care of my mental health and feeling overall better, but I just don't believe that things can get better for me in this, probably the most important aspect of my life.
You’re not broken, and you’re not “bad at love.” You’re describing a real mismatch between what most gay social life rewards (high stimulation, quick bonding, lots of noise) and what your system can actually tolerate, so of course sex is easier than the slow, messy middle of building something.
Also, the fact you have close friends is not a consolation prize. It’s proof you can do intimacy and consistency, just in a format that doesn’t drain you. 🙂
Speaking of format: I want a family and to live with a loved one, I am sure of it, just don't know if its even possible to find it. I really hate my autism and can't stand this diagnosis and the fact that it can't be helped. Being gay is tolerable, being gay and autistic is disgusting, constantly not fitting into different groups is demoralising. The fact that others like me in a sexual way makes it even more bizarre.
Excellent article. My husband and I have been together something like 44 years (don't have a firm start date as we started as what would now be called Friends With Benefits and then one day realized we were Accidentally in Love) and we joke we are So glad there was no Grindr when we were young. You had to get dressed and go out to cheat and after a day at work we were way too lazy. Then we turned 30 which was like an invisability cloak in Gay Clubland. The other thing about being old is we can read a book for hours without getting bored though my granddaughter gave me a funny look when I mentioned at dinner I hadn't checked my phone today.
That’s the kind of love story that makes me believe in the quiet magic of just showing up for each other, year after year. Forty-four years of accidental love sounds like the best kind, with no apps, no performance, just two people too lazy to leave. And honestly, being too absorbed in a book to check your phone might be the smartest act of resistance these days. Your granddaughter will understand someday. Maybe. :)
44 years? Oh my god, I'm tearing up.
If I could just even picture a life like that with a real man, I'd consider myself the luckiest guy in the world.
Thanks for sharing, Mike. As much as I'm jealous (just a tiny bit), I'm incredibly happy for you.
Grindr was my calling.
At one point when I was in Europe, I kept obsessively searching for guys to get with at midnight. I was tired. My body was begging me to sleep. But I didn't mind. I just kept going.
I remember taking a train to another city so that I'd have a better shot of getting action. At 01:30 AM. What followed that was not a pleasant experience.
My point is when you keep chasing obsessively for so long, your real world and the stage becomes a blur. And boring stability just gets unequivocally tossed from your equation.
The worst part is the cost you feel later. Believe me, you don't want to.
Thanks G for always speaking out.
There’s something heartbreaking about how the chase can feel like purpose, like how exhaustion and emptiness get mistaken for aliveness. Many of us have been there, too: the 2 a.m. trains, the blur between desire and self-destruction, the way your body screams for rest but your brain insists this is what living feels like. The cost isn’t just the bad nights; it’s waking up one day and realizing you don’t even recognize the person who’s been running the show. Your honesty here matters. The stage always demands an encore, but the real work is learning to sit down.
This was profound & makes a lot of sense for anyone whose early life was spent brutally performing, and now lacks the perspective and maturity to handle a good, boring relationship. Maturity means developing core values. A partner who shares most of these is worth keeping, even if they are boring. Except for a lucky few, sex with your partner will eventually be boring - just like learning to drive was fun and commuting is not. Lifelong partnerships may not be exciting, because you can't and shouldn't control how the other person pursues their dreams. Instead, nurture these partnerships for their deep, quiet joy: loyal, supportive, in sickness and in health. My advice to people struggling with a good man who is also boring: lower your expectations, and raise up your core values.
Core values are the part you can build a life on, while chemistry is the weather. If “boring” means loyal, steady, kind, and you can be yourself without performing, that’s trading settling for finally getting off the rollercoaster. 😌
Indeed. As we get older, our ability to summon the energy to perform as someone other than ourselves will fade, so why not stop it right now? Ngl, It isn’t easy when we’re young to find partners of a similar non-performing viewpoint - so many people of tender age haven’t reached the same conclusion yet, and some may never get there. But just cuz it’s hard, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing.
That’s the hard truth, isn’t it. The exhaustion of performance is a tax we pay for approval, and the refund only comes when we stop chasing it. The right people will find you in the quiet, not the storm.
The chaos in my childhood was a brother with mental health problems, and a dad was emotionally absent and didn't understand any of us (until much later). As the middle, and gay, child, my job was to keep low, and navigate the chaos. I am only seeing in the last few years how I was constantly looking for validation, creating chaos with anonymous sex and drugs. Thank you for this article. It really hit me emotionally .
That “keep low and navigate” role is a difficult training ground because it teaches you that your needs are a problem and that chaos is where you feel most competent. Naming the validation loop and the ways you tried to feel something is a real shift, not a confession. I’m glad it landed, and I hope you keep choosing the quieter kind of relief.
This resonates so deeply for me
If it hit that much, chances are you’ve been trained to treat calm like a setup. The weird part is learning that safe can feel unfamiliar before it feels good.
Thank you for writing this interesting text. It's refreshing to read about unusual problems in gay relationships, although I myself don't really believe that I will ever be able to have a relationship. I have autism which makes interactions with most people around me tiring and boring, I can't fit in any gay circle. Having sex is easy and still kinda exciting, but it leads to nothere. I had some quasi relationship situations during my lifetime but they didn't work for various reasons. I even gained a habit of trying to maintain a relationship with someone I don't really like because I was ashamed of not having any relationships. Oddly enough, I have very close friends, they are very important to me, so I can't say that I am completely alone.
I am taking care of my mental health and feeling overall better, but I just don't believe that things can get better for me in this, probably the most important aspect of my life.
You’re not broken, and you’re not “bad at love.” You’re describing a real mismatch between what most gay social life rewards (high stimulation, quick bonding, lots of noise) and what your system can actually tolerate, so of course sex is easier than the slow, messy middle of building something.
Also, the fact you have close friends is not a consolation prize. It’s proof you can do intimacy and consistency, just in a format that doesn’t drain you. 🙂
Speaking of format: I want a family and to live with a loved one, I am sure of it, just don't know if its even possible to find it. I really hate my autism and can't stand this diagnosis and the fact that it can't be helped. Being gay is tolerable, being gay and autistic is disgusting, constantly not fitting into different groups is demoralising. The fact that others like me in a sexual way makes it even more bizarre.